I was suicidal for years. My depression was so bad that I start drinking and using heavy drugs. Quickly after that, there wasn't a moment of the day I wasn't high off of a few different things. My life was one huge death wish. I had no intentions of sobering up, I thought I would die before that. One of my good friends, who wasn't an addict just a young adult experimenting with a drug that I had done hundreds of times before, died after trying it. I wasn't there and I didn't give it to her but I felt an immense amount of guilt. I've been sober ever since. She saved my life, not because I was scared to die but because I know it should have been me, not somebody half as happy, funny, sweet, grateful, amazing and loved as her. So I decided I was going to live every day of the rest of my life in her memory. I wasn't going to let her death be in vain or just be some tragic accident. I'm too ashamed to let people know how bad of a drug addict I really was because I still feel so guilty but I just wish I could tell someone who really loves her and misses her.