when i was 11 my mom was killed by a drunk driver while crossing the street, it made me numb inside, i didn't cry, i didn't really have any emotion after i was told. my father couldn't cope with her loss and became a drunk, he stayed sober enough to keep his job as a night guard, but that was about the extent of his support, so me and my 3 brothers were basically on our own for a while. about a year after my mom was killed, he came home one night and i was obvious he had already started drinking. i was watching tv and he sat down by me and started watching too, but after a few minutes he got up and told me to lay down, then knelt by the couch and started feeling my breasts. i didn't like it but i just laid there. i could see my brothers peeking from the hall way watching. after a few minutes he told me to go to bed. after that i tried to be in bed before he got home, but if i was still up, he would have me lay on the couch, after that first time, he would take my top off and fondle me and pinch my nipples. it would always last a few minutes, then he'd send me off to bed--that was all he ever did to me.

3 weeks after my father started fondling me, i got home from school and my older brother, 3 years older than me, took me to his room and did the same thing to me. he had me lay on his bed, and he fondled and pinched my nipples. he never said a word, just like my father did, just played with my nipples. he did this for a month, and one day when we got to his room he didn't have me get on the bed, he sat on the edge of the bed and told me to strip. i didn't do it, so he grabbed me and pulled me across his lap and spanked me, then he pushed me on the floor and told me to get out. this went on for about a week, him telling me to strip, and me not doing it, then him spanking me and telling me to get out. after he realized i would not strip for him, he started just taking my cloths off me while i stood there. when he was done stripping me, ogling me, and fondling me he would tell me to pick up my cloths and get out. my younger brothers were always waiting outside his door and they would block my way back to my room until they could see me and fondle me too. i just let them do it, it was easier than fighting with them.

this all went on for 3 years until cps put us out to foster care, and we were were sent to different homes. i never told them about my father and brothers.

i went to college, graduated, and have a good job in business. a couple years ago i started going to psychiatric counseling. i've never been able to have a relationship with a guy, i go out, we have fun, but i don't like to be touched.

about 6 months ago, i was put on a prescription for anxiety. i'm not sure it's having the effect the doctor wants... for the last 4 months i have been having sex with any male that wants me. all they have to do is start talking to me, and i will have sex with them. i still don't want to be kissed or held, but every guy that i've been in a semi private or social situation with in the last 4 months, i've asked to have sex. i don't have any physical intimacy, i just suck them off, or strip down and let them fondle and fuck me. i'm still numb inside, and i'm not doing this from sexual desire, but i want to get sex from every male i know or see. i need to be fucked by them or at least suck them off. i've not told the dr about this, i just don't want to be alone every night.

about a week ago i was picked up by a guy and his wife at a local club. we went to their place and i sucked his cock while she watched, then he fucked me while they made out. they had me watch as they fucked, then the next morning, he left on a business trip. he told me i could stay and keep his wife company while he was gone. i don't know why, but i stayed.

his wife carol is a wonderful person, we talked for a while, and she and i found we have very similar interests, and both of us had lost our mothers. buy lunch time we were getting along well. after lunch she took me by the hand and kissed me, i thought oh, here we go, she just wants to use me too, so i started to let her have her way with me. that wasn't what she wanted. we talked some more and she asked if i was comfortable around her, and i am very comfortable around her. she reached out and took my hands place them on her breasts, we were both still fully clothed, and looked into my eyes, and told me... it's ok, you can have me. it was like something snapped inside me. i could have her! i felt her breasts in my hands. i wasn't numb any more. i just started crying. she just held me in her arms while i sobbed for hours. we fell asleep in each others arms just cuddled together on her bed.

the next morning the numbness was gone, i woke next to the most beautiful person i've ever known. i just watched her there asleep and i noticed something... i was actually smiling. when she woke, she saw me smiling and told me that was the most beautiful face she had ever woke to see. we kissed, i felt her lips on mine and her warmth. we enjoyed each other in ways i didn't know i could or ever would. we had the most beautiful 3 days of my life together.

when her husband came back, the numbness returned. i sucked and fucked him until he was limp and begging me to stop. i didn't want him to touch her, every time he got hard, i sucked or fucked him until he was limp again.

i'm back home now, back to sucking and fucking every guy i see, numb again, except i want her. i want to be with her every minute of every day of my life. i know she will not leave her husband, i asked her, so now where there was only numbness, i have pain and longing for her and the numbness. i so wish i could go back to just the numbness, the pain and longing is horrible, but those days were more than i could have ever imagined. every day i hope for a call from her, every day my heart grows colder, my hope fading into the numbness. i don't want it, but the numbness is taking me back. i'm still the little girl laying on the couch having her breasts fondled and pinched by her father...