I've never been kissed.

I've never held hands with a guy.

I'm a virgin.

I got my first job at 24 and its at mcdonalds.

I get nervous around all guys even if they are younger than me. It's to the point I prefer the company of women but some of them are so catty and act grouchy. So its like I dont like them either really. Around guys I'm nervous. I'm usually fine around women but those catty ones who act like they are pmsing 24-7 are a pain to be around. Usually it turns out they have a child or two. Like thats somehow my fault.

I have social anxiety.

I feel like if I didn't have videogames I would have nothing to live for. People act like life is so great but I've honestly found nothing that excites me. Everything bores me. I feel like I'm a lazy, depressive, lustful beast. If I'm honest only videogames and sex interests me and even then I have issues with that because I feel like people are dirty and I dont want their fluids on or even near me.

I'm a complete and total mess of a human being. I google my problems to see peoples opinions and this is what I get: waste of a life, lazy, pathetic, loser.

So whats the point?? Am I supposed to take that criticism and better myself?? Because it would just be simpler to shoot myself and its not like I dont have access to a gun. I do. It's not my gun but with a bit of snooping I'd have access to it. At the same time I'm scared of failing and ending up worse. And before you ask how can I fail google bestgore. People have attempted suicide and failed only to end up deformed. So please know what you're talking about before you say that. People have failed shots to the face even. You'd be surprised how delicate yet sometimes strong the body can be.

I currently have a job and am planning to search for another one. A less taboo one. Do you think I'm wasting my time and should just off myself though?? I'm 5 "5", weight 130, and have long dark hair that reaches my butt. I dont have zits or anything like that, my skin is clear, I have a small round nose, and plump but not huge lips. I've seen girls who look worse than me with boyfriends and some with kids so some guy at some point had to have fucked them. I dont get why guys dont at least want to fuck me. No strings attached. Tons of girls get tricked, fucked, and chucked. Why doesn't at least that happen to me??

I'm a mess in all areas. You'd think surely this girl is academically intelligent at least but I'm a b student. So I'm a pervert, socially awkward, nervous, jittery, airheaded, physically slow (probably mentally too), and have little to no experience in anything important. All I do is game, watch stuff, go to work, go to school, bathe, eat, and fap (or whatever you call the female version of it). You know what?? Writing it out it suddenly makes sense. I still dont see why a guy wouldn't at least want to fuck me with no strings attached.

If I went to a bar and dressed as slutty as I could I bet I wouldn't get any bites. Not even from older men. Then and here's what really grinds my gears-the women who tell me I dont need a man or its not all that great. It's just so easy to say that when you have a bf, husband, fuckbuddy, or the option of it. Real easy.

I'm just depressed. Whats worse is my mom seems to find my worries silly and pretty much my whole family agrees. They are old fashioned puerto ricans. I'm sure they would be happy if I died a virgin and became a saint. It's like nobody is on my side. I would feel better if I at least got fucked. I'm serious. That would cure my depression. Even if I was called a filthy slut and had my hair pulled and was spit on after.

I'm tired of people telling me how I should feel.