TW Rape and Abuse, self harm, cutting

So I have a baby.

I was dating her father and he raped me. He held me down and did it. And then he wouldn't let me leave, until I let him fuck me again, this time without my struggling and yelling.

I got away and dumped him. Then I found out I was pregnant...he didn't use a condom.

I thought that I should tell him, so I did. He convinced me that it was just a mistake, that he wanted to make it right, that he really did love me. So we moved in together. So fucking stupid.

He raped me again. He started hitting me and became verbally abusive as well. I really think he was trying to make me lose the baby. Especially since he told me to get an abortion at first when I told him.

I eventually left him again.

I wanted to kill myself so badly. I tried once, I ended up in the hospital and then in the psych ward.

I tried to do adoption. He had said he would sign the papers, but when the adoption agency contacted him, he said he wanted custody and he refused to sign. So they said they couldn't help me.

So I had the baby and I kept the baby. I didn't want to give the baby up, I loved the baby and the baby was the only reason I got help and didn't try to kill myself again. I just don't have the money to raise a child and now I'm stuck.

I keep getting closer and closer to killing myself again. I started cutting again. I bought double edge razors at the store today. I haven't cut in a month, yet I saw them there today and had to get them...they really shouldn't sell those at the dollar store.

The only thing stopping me is the baby needing me.