I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we are stoning her in the morning.

I walked into the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "phile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I am 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

This fellow called 911 and said, "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know??" He says, "The sex is about the same but the laundry is piling up."

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21 and her name is Lucy.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I told him, "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Question: Are there too many illegal immigrants in the USA?? 17% said Yes; 11% said No: 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

My wife has been miss for a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill and get all of her clothes back.

There is a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center. They threw me out because I asked if I could look at the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if I could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I'd love to but my garden hose only reaches to the driveway.