I am confessing that I am actually at the end of my rope. I am officially one of the angriest most bitter women on the planet. The women I swore I would never end up becoming. I used to believe in a benevolent God, merciless and listening. All the stuff the "christians" around me fed me with, even when they were huge hypocrites themselves, I turned the other "cheek" or way so to speak.

I'm not naive it's not that I think if you believe in God or do good things in His name you are free from bad things but I am finally at a place where I just don't get Him, it, how it all works.

Three years ago my hard working husband opened a biz, a month later Sept. 11 hits and economy went down, we held on for three years and finally had to sell the house, had to put the dog to sleep because pets weren't allowed, kids hated leaving their friends, yadda yadda, still I wasn't complaining, no problem, bad things happen to good people "just think of all the people on Sept 11th or their loved ones". All the while I was watching my husband work his tail off leaving at 4:00 a.m. coming home at 10:00 p.m. sometimes sleeping at the office. I was doing daycare and custodial work at night to keep food on table, still no problem, this was our choice. However, I started feeling some envy for the neighbors whose husband would come home at 5:00 and they would be putting in their pools and big screens. I wondered how they worked half the time and ended up with so much more. So we end up moving into the apartment. My mom lives with us because she can't afford to live alone and the kids and my husband that made 5 people in 2 bedroom apartment. Finally we had nothing left to live on and had to walk away from biz so husband takes a job in another part of the u.s. thousands of miles away. All this time I'm thinking o.k. no problem things will turn around, we made our choices things didn't work out.

However, all this while I read the bible tried to keep faith in God. I was charitable in my heart giving to others when I barely had anything to give, if I had a sandwich and saw a homeless hungry I would give it to him, "knowing" that God would take care of us. I gave and gave, and had faith and now today as I write this I have officially given up. It happened yesterday when a so called friend called to let me know that she was going on a trip and wondered if I would watch the dog and take care of plants. Not offering any money or compensation. This woman who has never worked has a lovely home and her husband is home more than at work. She knew all that we had been through and how much we needed whatever help we could get right now, with my husband working way in other part of u.s. and us on the other side broke and not knowing how we will make rent. That's when I lost it, I was done.

God says "Give and I shall give unto you" "As you thinketh in your heart so shall it be" "You reap what you sow" I used to believe all that but as of today I am done, I wanted to make this a public statement of not believing anymore.

I know it sounds like a big whine case but it's mine and I needed to get rid of it. I'm still angry at all the inequities of this world and why God lets that be and all the %^&$%^& Christians out there with all the answers all the time and yet when one of my old neighbors needed their kids to get a ride to school do you think any one of the "christians" was there, no I was the one the called to come pick up their kids. It's all bullshit, all of it.

Tell the single mom who has a desparately ill child in a hospital that "if you only believe" and "with enough faith" oh so when her kid doesn't make it it's because she didn't have faith? When are the assholes of the world going to get a little thrown their way. I think I could bear all this if I just saw one son of a bitch who doesn't work hard and has all his/her hearts desire fall on a little bad luck, nothing too severe just a little taste of all the dissapointment that us other poor bastards have had to stomach.

So that's it, that's my confession. I'm done with God as of today, He obviously doesn't care what happens to keep my faith alive, cuz if he did he would have thrown us one little bone by now, but I guess he's too busy working with all the fine "perfect Christians"

thanks I feel better