I hope this isn't too long.

I am in recovery. I had a lot of trouble with alcohol in college and did some stupid things. After college I wanted to be an actress and I moved to L.A. I got in with a bad crowd and there was lot's of alcohol and drugs. I could never stay sober so I lost the two jobs I got, both in food service, and was living with this woman who turned out to be lesbian and wanted me real bad. I got high and drunk and had a wreck and got a dui and lost my driver's license and I was ordered to do rehab and community service. The woman I lived with let me stay with her and paid for rehab, but she made me sleep with her in the same bed. It was awful and to think about what she did makes my stomach sick.

My mother wasn't able to help me, she is divorced and didn't have the money for rehab. Every day I spent all day thinking about what was going to happen at night with that woman. I would rather have been screwed by a homeless man. I got desperate and after I finished my rehab I used her phone and called my cousin (he and I have the same great grandmother). I lost my virginity to him when I was 13 and he has always taken care of me, but after I came to L.A. he told me I was on my own. Anyway, he agreed to come for me.

I had to admit to myself and tell him out loud that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I had to confess to him the things that I had done since I went to college. I had to agree to stay sober and live with him under his conditions. I had to get rid of all my clothes and wear the clothes he bought me, all size 8 which is my normal size, but I had lost so much weight I was wearing size 4. I had to agree to stay in counseling. I had to agree that until I was well enough I would stay home and not work. I had to gain 30 pounds until he was satisfied with how I should look.

At his house he took all the mirrors off the bathrooms and got rid of any full length mirrors, I only had small face mirrors. He got a puppy for me to take care of. He made me go to cooking school. I had to serve myself the same amount of food I served him, he is 6 feet and weighs 200 pounds. I couldn't get up from the table until I ate it all. No puking or anything like that. Gain weight and get heavy, my target was 140 pounds, but 145 was better. I weighed 118 when I got to his house.

After I got there I had to sleep with him in the same room, to make sure I wasn't sleeping around. I had to take online courses, which he monitored.

I did everything he asked, when I was heavy enough he let me sleep with him, when I was a year sober I weighted 142 pounds he told me I could get pregnant, so I had my IUD removed. My baby is 22 months old. I weigh 148 pounds and wear either a size 8 or size 10. I still can't drive because of my sentence. The cooking school was the best thing, how he thought of it I don't know. One of the women I met there is now my best friend. She has two kids. We cook a lot together for our families. Oh yes, I got married to him after my baby was born. The good thing is that I didn't have to mess with changing my name because we had the same last name.

The worst decision of my life was going to L.A. The best thing that happened to me was that my cousin came for me and made me get well. I know what tough love is. I am 32 a mother and wife and I am an alcoholic and a drug abuser.

My goal in life is to be alcohol and drug free, to be a mother and a wife. I don't work, I may never work again because my cousin likes me to be a stay at home mom. Cooking and gardening are now my drugs of choice. And being a mom.

I pray ever day now, I used to curse God because he had made me too big.