I was m****ted for 10 years of my life. I have never ever spoken about this to anyone. As an adult I have repressed memories but I do have some distinct ones that have stuck with me. Here goes. The first sexual advance I can remember experiencing was when I was 6 years old. My step father had set up some trash cans in the yard with water in them so my brother and i could play. I remember running around the house trying to find a bathing suite but all I could find were bottoms. I ran to the laundry room where he found me and said that I did not really need a top. I remember feeling so confused. As a kid you don't necessarily speak about nudity but you know its not correct to be naked if front of anyone. Especially (being a girl) in front of a man. Not only a man but my mothers husband. A that point I knew there was something wrong.
The second encounter I remember was when my mom was out of the country visiting family and we were watching a movie. My brother (2 years younger) had fallen asleep. I was laying on the bed and he asked me if I wanted a foot massage... all of this happened so fast. He took my feet ( I was laying on my belly) and started rubbing them with oil. I remember it feeling so wrong. I finally mustered up the courage to turn around and I saw his dick on my feet. I kept my mouth shut but I remember feeling so exited. I think he saw me peeking because soon after he asked aloud if I knew what sperm was. I said no. Shortly afterwards he asked me to look in to the palm of his hand were he had cum. I didn't know what to say... The movie ended and he put my brother in his bed and walked me to my room. He gave me a tight hug and an good night kiss on the cheek and I don't know why but I said " thank you for showing me sperm daddy"... geez I look back and I have no idea why those words would come out of my mouth! Especially when I didn't even know what the hell was going on you know? Anyway the next memory I have was with him reading me a bed time story. I was in bed and he put his hand on my arm. I remember taking his arm and moving it to my chest where he proceeded to move it (slowly) to my breast. He cupped my little breast until the end of the story, gave me a kiss and left the room. Please remember that I have no real time line for all these memories... its just in the order in which I remember them happening.
Well the next few encounters were pretty similar. He would set up a movie in his room (my mother at the time worked at night) and we (my brother and I would lay with him in the bed... one time in particular I remember my little brother getting mad that he had set up a pallet for him on the floor while I was on the bed. Eventually he fell asleep. During that time he cuddled me and rubbed my legs. On that night he touched my pussy so softly. I remember him licking his finger and rubbing me again and again, not penetrating but caressing.. god I remember being so ecstatic, so filled with excitement. At this point I knew it was so wrong but I wanted to be touched by him. I remember his fore arms being so hairy and for some reason I felt comfort. I distinctly remember wanting more. And more than that, I knew I had to keep quiet about our secret. He never told me to keep quite or to not tell my mom, I just knew. Time went on and other things happened (I don't remember very well) but I never told anyone. At some point he started kissing my pussy. I don't remember anything at all about the first time or how it initiated but I do remember how much I enjoyed it. In fact, I craved it! God he would lay me down (at this point i was about 10 or 11) and slowly spread my legs. He would just look at me. He would say how pretty it looked and how much he desired me. He would slowly rub my little pussy with his nose and mustache, back and forth until I would push my pussy closer to him. To this day I remember how sweetly he would suck on my clit... he would kiss me so gently and I loved every minute of it. Eventually he started sticking his finger inside me and that made the experience soo much better.. One time when he and I were in the car together he asked me if I liked it when he kissed me there and I (shyly) told him I did. He said that if I ever wanted him to to that to me that I should ask him to "kiss prissy". Up until this point we had not really talked or done much with his penis but he told me that if he ever wanted me to touch him he would call it "peppy". Well then after a while I was formally introduced to peppy. He would sit down next to me and pull him out. He would take my hand and rub him self. Not so much in the traditional way but just all over you know using my hands. He told me that a man is very sensitive and on many occasions he would cum in my hands. On a few occasions he would kiss my mouth but I remember not liking that very much. Up until then we would sneak around but at this point my mother had to go to her country to help some family members and took my brother with her so he and I had three months alone. It was at this time that he showed me how to give him a blow job and he put peppy inside me for the first time. Honestly I don't remember the details of the first time I just know it happened then.
I remember feeling like he and I were together... like really together. I was maybe 12 or so but I felt like I was his. We cooked, cleaned, played with each other. I was almost like playing house. Another thing I remember was that he would suck on my clit for so long that it would get as swollen as a little gr**e! God he would stare at it and kiss it and cup it until the swelling would go down. One night while he was eating me out I grabbed him by the chin and pulled him on top of me and asked him to fuck me.
When my mother came back everything slowed down. In the car one time he asked me to go to sleep with my panties off so he could come and kiss prissy. Happily I did but I was woken up by my mother screaming at me demanding to know why I had not panties on. That's all I remember about that night. Luckily I guess.
I guess that encounter with my mother put things in perspective for me and eventually all consensual sex between me and my step dad ceased. he started drinking and started black mailing me to let me let him touch me... I became less willing as I got older. At fourteen I remember masturbating all the time to the thought of him kissing prissy but I just couldn't bring myself to actually let him do it. For a few years he bolted the refrigerator and pantry and he would shut off power to the house when I would come home from school and he would only turn it on or give me food if I let him play with me. By the time I was 15 I stopped letting him touch me altogether and that led to domestic violence which eventually led to my school suspecting and asking a lot of questions.
I attempted suicide two times.
There are so many other things that came of that abuse. Low self worth, sex addiction, drug addiction, and the inability to commit to someone to name a few. I was so angry and confused for so many years... but I have come to terms with it. Now (secretly) I am in a way happy it all happened. Of course I always think I could have become a successful college graduate with a good career and a happy healthy life but I feel content with who I am today. I did not graduate and I am by far lacking success but I Love my overly charged sex drive, I love being naked and touching myself, I am confident and strong... I really like my self. And I don't think I would be this person today had I not gone through all those years of what ever it was. To this day no one has kissed my pussy the way he did. Does that make me a bad person? I love older men. I love to fuck. And that is my big secret!