Bi-Sexual Female / 38
Ever since I can remember, I'm talking nine years old, I knew I liked sex.
I was on overdrive even that young and I would eat out my neighbor who was eleven. She was the first one that put her tongue in my mouth and the first one that put her tongue in my vagina and she was the first one that helped me insert an object in my vagina. We would each insert things in our vaginas and kiss.
As I got older, I still had a very high sex drive and I got in trouble with a girl from school. Her mother caught us one afternoon when I was eating her out on her bed, and I was turned into my mother and our friendship was forbidden. My mother told me it was a phase and I shouldn't do that and girls didn't do things with other girls.
But she was wrong, I did things with other girls, and I did a lot with this woman who worked with my mother. She was the real thing and she expected me to be the real thing, sex with her was for real. It wasn't kid stuff anymore. She is the first one that used the word lesbian with me and told me she was an up and up lesbian, that I exhibited butch but I wasn't, she was butch and I wasn't.
I was seventeen then, she had this friend of hers, who I came to find out fucked her. Even though she was into girls, this man had been fucking her since she was in her early twenties and still fucked her. She told me it was platonic, and letting him fuck her was just part of what went on with them, but not to get the idea that she wasn't 100% lesbian. She was a lesbian, she made sure I heard her on that front.
One day he fucked me. I was over there and she was rattling around with some issue of hers and he just grabbed me and fucked me. I was totally unprepared, in every sense. I was unprepared because I was not there to be with him, I was there to be with her, I was unprepared because I had never once come close to anything like that and when he grabbed me I was overwhelmed before I knew it and he was inserting his penis in me and was totally on top of me and he was fucking me for real. I was unprepared because I had no protection whatsoever, and it was my fertile period and when he came inside of me there was nothing more I could do.
The pregnancy affected me on all levels. First and foremost with my parents. I was seventeen and a senior in high school and I was pregnant. Secondly with him, he now had established himself over me and got whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and like a totally meek mouse I went along fully. Not just the sex, it was everything else, I went all in, I started to play like I was married to him and to imitate my mother. In my head I became his wife, as if I had been his wife for twenty years. Except I was seventeen and he was a whole lot older.
I had the baby, and for a while, I settled down. The baby took me by surprise, I had the hardest time not being with him. I wanted him with me all the time, and I took to being the perfect mom. I played mommy and daddy all the time, I must have looked so stupid being a mommy and acting like I was a wife of a long time and cuddling up to him for him to be the daddy. It wasn't role playing, I believed that, it was in my head twenty four seven. I talked about more children, about moving to a house of my own, all I wanted to do was get married and move out and go live with him and be his wife and have more kids.
I got pregnant again, because I would not use any form of birth control and I kept him in me when I knew I was in my fertile period. He felt trapped, he told me that I was screwing up his life but I didn't care, I was going to turn nineteen and I was pregnant and I had an eighteen month old boy and come hell or high water I was going to have kids. At 23 he married me, he turned 50 and I had by then four kids. He was trapped, what I didn't know is that I was trapped. Having so many kids so young affected me in all sorts of ways. By then I was a wife and I had my own home, and kept trying to make it like my mother's house, she had six kids and I was going to have six kids too.
I got my six kids, and I have an older man as a husband. My feelings for messing with women went away completely, they just disappeared, but my needs for a man came on just as strong. When I say I need a man, I need a man. Playing trick the mouse doesn't help, I need a man on top of me. And the man I married doesn't pay attention to my needs. Like I said, I am trapped. I am 35 years old, fully awake sexually, I have terribly strong needs, no different than when I was a kid messing around with my neighbor girl, I need it. Bad. And the kids don't make up for it. Sex is sex, and I need to feel it, all through my body, like that day he grabbed me, that is the kind of sex I need. I don't like being butch with him, pushing myself on him, I want him to haul off and just give it to me.
I am so frustrated.
I was on overdrive even that young and I would eat out my neighbor who was eleven. She was the first one that put her tongue in my mouth and the first one that put her tongue in my vagina and she was the first one that helped me insert an object in my vagina. We would each insert things in our vaginas and kiss.
As I got older, I still had a very high sex drive and I got in trouble with a girl from school. Her mother caught us one afternoon when I was eating her out on her bed, and I was turned into my mother and our friendship was forbidden. My mother told me it was a phase and I shouldn't do that and girls didn't do things with other girls.
But she was wrong, I did things with other girls, and I did a lot with this woman who worked with my mother. She was the real thing and she expected me to be the real thing, sex with her was for real. It wasn't kid stuff anymore. She is the first one that used the word lesbian with me and told me she was an up and up lesbian, that I exhibited butch but I wasn't, she was butch and I wasn't.
I was seventeen then, she had this friend of hers, who I came to find out fucked her. Even though she was into girls, this man had been fucking her since she was in her early twenties and still fucked her. She told me it was platonic, and letting him fuck her was just part of what went on with them, but not to get the idea that she wasn't 100% lesbian. She was a lesbian, she made sure I heard her on that front.
One day he fucked me. I was over there and she was rattling around with some issue of hers and he just grabbed me and fucked me. I was totally unprepared, in every sense. I was unprepared because I was not there to be with him, I was there to be with her, I was unprepared because I had never once come close to anything like that and when he grabbed me I was overwhelmed before I knew it and he was inserting his penis in me and was totally on top of me and he was fucking me for real. I was unprepared because I had no protection whatsoever, and it was my fertile period and when he came inside of me there was nothing more I could do.
The pregnancy affected me on all levels. First and foremost with my parents. I was seventeen and a senior in high school and I was pregnant. Secondly with him, he now had established himself over me and got whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and like a totally meek mouse I went along fully. Not just the sex, it was everything else, I went all in, I started to play like I was married to him and to imitate my mother. In my head I became his wife, as if I had been his wife for twenty years. Except I was seventeen and he was a whole lot older.
I had the baby, and for a while, I settled down. The baby took me by surprise, I had the hardest time not being with him. I wanted him with me all the time, and I took to being the perfect mom. I played mommy and daddy all the time, I must have looked so stupid being a mommy and acting like I was a wife of a long time and cuddling up to him for him to be the daddy. It wasn't role playing, I believed that, it was in my head twenty four seven. I talked about more children, about moving to a house of my own, all I wanted to do was get married and move out and go live with him and be his wife and have more kids.
I got pregnant again, because I would not use any form of birth control and I kept him in me when I knew I was in my fertile period. He felt trapped, he told me that I was screwing up his life but I didn't care, I was going to turn nineteen and I was pregnant and I had an eighteen month old boy and come hell or high water I was going to have kids. At 23 he married me, he turned 50 and I had by then four kids. He was trapped, what I didn't know is that I was trapped. Having so many kids so young affected me in all sorts of ways. By then I was a wife and I had my own home, and kept trying to make it like my mother's house, she had six kids and I was going to have six kids too.
I got my six kids, and I have an older man as a husband. My feelings for messing with women went away completely, they just disappeared, but my needs for a man came on just as strong. When I say I need a man, I need a man. Playing trick the mouse doesn't help, I need a man on top of me. And the man I married doesn't pay attention to my needs. Like I said, I am trapped. I am 35 years old, fully awake sexually, I have terribly strong needs, no different than when I was a kid messing around with my neighbor girl, I need it. Bad. And the kids don't make up for it. Sex is sex, and I need to feel it, all through my body, like that day he grabbed me, that is the kind of sex I need. I don't like being butch with him, pushing myself on him, I want him to haul off and just give it to me.
I am so frustrated.
