Because it was his 65th birthday yesterday we got together for dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. Us means him, his two older daughters, his ex wife, me and my two daughters who are 12 and 9. He is the father of both of my daughters. His older daughters are real big sisters to my daughters. My 12 year old is her father's favorite. He is crazy about her and he shows it. The other girls know it and accept it, they just accept that she is the favorite and that is how it is supposed to be.

An example of how it is with him. I say this because being with him can be difficult. All the girls see me more as one of the daughters than a wife. They all see Mary as the wife, that is how they treat her and that is how they treat me.

At the dinner I end up talking with Mary because the girls monopolize his conversation. I put on some weight and the first thing she asks me if I am pregnant again. When I said no, she said well I should. When I was pregnant with my daughters there was hell to pay, I was accused of all sorts of things, I got pregnant because he made me pregnant. he didn't want to have any more babies. That was then, but now she regrets it and ever since she is on my case about getting pregnant again, she wants another baby to look after. I am 33, I am still able to get pregnant but she is 49 and all she talks about is why I don't have another baby. Every time I see her it is all she talks about until I go home and I talk myself into getting pregnant and then I get cold feet.

We went to Orlando during the summer, just him and me and my two daughters. It was the most fun I have had in a long time. When we got back and I went over to Mary's I felt she was hurt because we didn't do what we went for. All the fun of my trip went away because I feel guilty. She always makes me feel that way, guilty because he pays attention to me, guilty because she is older now and she can't be with him. Guilty that is all I feel, I can't ever feel good. I wish she had just gotten pregnant when he asked her to, and all this would be different. But now this is how it is, she didn't get pregnant and now she is the ex wife and I am the wife.

I love him, I won't deny that. Everyone knows that. I know Mary still loves him, we talk about that a lot, that you can't unlove someone. You are made to love him and you can't stop.

I wish we were closer in age, it would be easier.

I don't want to be older and one day look back and regret not having another baby. I don't want to be like Mary, feeling empty inside. I didn't know what I was doing with my kids when I got pregnant with them, but now I want to get pregnant. I don't want to get cold feet. I want to be strong and go for it. I don't want to say I am scared but I am. I am so scared, if it was an accident that would be one thing. I feel so guilty, we went to Orlando to get pregnant but I didn't. Last night Mary really made me feel bad. It is eating at me, I wish I could just do it.