It started in my early twenties as a taboo-breaking thrill: forcing myself to view and masturbate to gay porn even though I found it, frankly, disgusting. The images of nude men and the things they did to one another did not arouse me at all except in that I knew I wasn't supposed to be looking at them, and certainly wasn't supposed to be stroking my cock to them. Being naughty was the arousing part -- and especially the dark anti-fantasy that such actions might make me gay or lead to my becoming gay. I thought that fantasy silly at the time, in the sobriety that follows ejaculation. But it wasn't so silly. I was starting down a rabbit hole that I'm deep into and still descending years later.

Back at the start, I couldn't bring myself to ejaculate to the gay porn; it wasn't arousing enough. So I got myself to the point of no return and then switched the pic to one of a man's cock or a man giving another man a blow job. It wasn't so great, and I wasn't sure I'd ever do it again. But I did, some time later. I did it rarely in the early years, but looking back, I can see that I did it more and more frequently as the years went on. At some point in there, the gay porn stopped being gross. I remember realizing one day that things had changed: I now got erect at the sight of another man's cock or more explicit gay porn. No need to prime myself with straight porn; I could get aroused, erect, stroke myself with pleasure, and shoot my load in ecstasy purely on gay porn. I always felt like crap afterward. It didn't feel right. I wasn't attracted to any of the men I knew, and I was attracted to plenty of women. But gay porn was hot despite that.

Probably it was just Pavlovian conditioning: my body learning to associate the pleasure of orgasm with the male images. But that doesn't change the fact that today I find gay porn more arousing that straight porn. The sight of a well muscled man naked, with a thick, juicy, veiny cock -- whether it's just hanging there or sticking straight out, ready for business -- always gets me hard and makes my precum flow. I can look at a nude supermodel for 5 minutes with a limp dick and then just think about a gay bodybuilder fucking his friend up the ass and I'm hard as a rock. I still love women, and still get hard for heterosexual sex (I've never been with a man), but I often find myself fantasizing about fucking a man in order to cum inside the woman. Other men's cocks are the hottest thing to me now. I wonder what I would do if an attractive gay man, buck naked, offered himself to me in a hotel room. Could I possibly not suck his dick and love it?