I was homeless for 3 years, several states from home at age 19. It is a long story but basically i trusted a married man who promised me real love and it cost me my family's support and a lot of pain. When he was done with me he tossed me out on the street and went back to his family. I did not start out hooking i was paahandling for money on a street-landing at an intersection. I did this for several weeks, while trying to reconnect with my family several states away who pretty much disowned me. I was barely getting enough for basic food and crashing in a gross homeless shelter.

One day a much older man pulled up and showed me a large amount of cash that was more then i'd make panhandling all day and said he'd pull in the lot around the corner if i wanted to make more then pocket change. I did. He was 50ish, had a "ring" on his ring finger, and could have used a fresh shower. I sucked him, he fingered me, and he fucked me as much as we could make it work in his small Prius but mostly i sucked him and he fondled and pinched me. he pushed me so hard down on his dick when he cummed I gagged and was about to vomit when he pulled me up by my hair so i'd not make a mess on him. i was young, stupid, desperate and without a condom. I was no stranger to sex, hooking up, or even married men, i got round before this but never had felt like an object to be used like he made me feel. There was no emotion, no pleasant chat, just lust on his part and being used on mine. When it was done all I felt was shame. lots of deep shame. I was shocked how i felt, there was a reason conservative family wanted nothing to do with me i was a "party girl" who got around but this was different, this was humiliating, this was not sex for pleasure but sex for survival. This was new, and this was closet, to this point, i ever got to feel pure self disgrace and disgust in myself. How did I a normal, funtime, average pretty highschool grad with a bright future end up in a car having protected sex with a stranger???

I hated myself for it, but liked the money, and I knew that meant it'd happen again, so i used some of the money to buy a new backpack, a large stash of condoms and some lube. At first i just panhandled waiting for it to happen again, and it rarely did. Then i learned the right areas to be in and right times to be out but those areas and times meant lots of guys but at a lot less money per guy. Desperation and fear got me in a lot of guy's cars i hated letting use me. Some guys were such pigs and rude i hated them touching me or being in my mouth or pussy but i was to far into the shame care enough about myself to stop. It was not all bad, some guys were nice, gentle and clean, i had fun sometimes, and even got into it and even got off sometimes. But mostly, it was not like that, mostly older, mean men, who needed better hygiene and treated me like hole and pounded away at my face and pussy with little regard to my discomfort or dignity. When I got in a car with those guys i learned to disassociate and let go and let them pound away calling me names while my mind was elsewhere and i just nodded and faked goaned when then needed me too.

In three years i was out there i got robbed, beaten, and i guess you'd call it r**ed (4 guys over 3 years used me and threw me out without pay and 2 beat me when i protested). A few times i fell into the trap of using pimps for protection but they were worse then the car dates so i ran away. One pimp towards the end of my run on the streets got me hooked on meth because as he put it it gives you sense of "being ok with what you do and even a sens4 of real happiness sucking grampa like a vacuum in his car" and he was right; i'd stay up for hours with all this energy and even somewhat into it going car to car and not feeling the intense shame i once did. In the end it was the meth that got me out. I got busted while high, I was in a grove hitting car to car and i was not being careful and walked into a law enforcement trap. I knew better but was high and grooving on sucking dick when your real high you kind of like it because it mean money which means more highs.

In custody I was offered drug rehab and I took it. I got probation and a minor record since drugs where a very minor thing towards the end of my run I was able to break the habit with help and not much stumbling. At rehab a social worker got me into other programs and i have been on the streets a year and in community college program for a semester.I never injected only smoked or snorted and thank goodness I only did it condomless that first time and once when i was r**ed. I have tested std clean twice now and am out of the woods.

I posted this here because I am a real girl who was a real street hoe. I know guys here likely do them, and I just wanted you to know what life being a street worker is like for us. I am not mad, or judging you, some of you were kind, and all of you gave me money i was desperate for. Your not the reason we are out there and i can't blame you for picking us up and getting a cheap thrill from us but maybe having read this you will lean towards being kind to some of my "sisters" still out there and at the very least shower or wash up before you make us go down there.

I was not sure if i'd say this, but i know it is true. Once you sell yourself it is hard not to go back. It is easy money. A few times already I almost did, so i won't lie, i would, but never on the street, never with a pimp, or around drugs or any kind. But for a good job, or to get a head in a career, or for a client in my profession down the road, it be so easy. The down side of this is I am totally disentized to feeling bad about it. I was in so many cars so many nights, faces are a blur and the men who had me in full or part are countless. I just don't want unshowered men, and the street life, but in a lot of ways I think i am damaged for life sexually because of this. There is no normal in sex for me anymore. Doing it again be easy. Part of me misses it with the nicer guys who made me feel wanted on cold nights in warm cars.

Still ashamed. Likely for life now but i can live with it.