I am so mixed up about this.
I know the right thing to do, but I also cant deny how I am feeling about my sister's husband.

My sister and I are very close, we always have been. We grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and when
she started dating Derrick who is black, it was kind of difficult for my parents to handle since they are
very old fashioned. But after time they accepted him, and eventually accepted that they were getting married.
That was 2 years ago.

I also noticed Derrick would sometimes be checking me out, which was flattering. I will admit I had fantasies about him, and as silly as it sounds, I sometimes worried that somehow Derrick KNEW about those fantasies I was having.

Last weekend we had a big family party. At one point when everyone was outside, I went to the basement to get a
bag of ice out of a cooler that was in the laundry room. I was very surprised when I turned around to see
Derrick right there behind me. My heart started racing immediately.
He asked first if I needed any help, and I said no. Then there was a few seconds of awkward silence, and then Derrick just blurted out "what would happen if I ever tried to kiss you?".
I think I said something about how that would not be a good idea, but I also noticed my body was moving
closer to him as I said that. I wanted him to kiss me SO bad! And he new that.
We ended up sharing the most intense, deep kisses I have ever given or received in my life. His hands were in my
shirt and down my shorts in seconds. Derrick could feel how sopping wet I was getting.
We broke from a kiss and Derrick said we should do it "just once", and that we would always have that secret
between us. He started to pull my shorts and panties down, and I said "not here, not now".

My head was spinning when I went back to the party. I felt ashamed, but I also felt so alive.
I love my sister, but I want her husband.
I spent the rest of the evening processing everything that happened and everything that was said in those
5 minutes in the basement.

By me saying to Derrick "not here, not now" was pretty much agreeing to have sex with him at some point.
My parents still live in the same house my sister and I grew up in, but they are gone a lot. It would
be so easy to meet up with Derrick there. I cant stop thinking about having sex with my sister's husband,
in the bed she slept on when she was a kid. omg

His "just once" comment.....I am sure I could stick to that rule, because I would never want a full
out affair with him.
I know how wrong it would be with him being my brother-in-law, and the added taboo of him being black,
but I am thinking about it all the time now.
Just once.

I know this is a bad way to see it - but IF Derrick was going to cheat on my sister, I would
almost rather it be with me. I would never want to hurt her or see her marriage hurt in any way. It would
just be something he needs to get out of his system, and something I obviously want, too.
I know my sister would never see it this way - but she loves Derrick, he loves her, so if he and I made
love it would almost be like a secret bond she and I would share.
I tell myself if I was the one who was married - would I rather it be a total stranger my husband cheats
with, or someone I know and someone who would never want me to get hurt. I would want it to be my sister
if it was anyone.

She used to joke when they were dating about big he is size-wise. I want that.

Would "just once" really be so bad?? Get it out of our system, and have that secret forever.