on part disability pension at 35 and unemployment and told to go home and lay down (but in other words what they really ment was "lay down and die bitch" so I stay in bed all day every day and don't look for love or self improvement or jobs or anything. no point. i will die a sad old lonely lady young if I don't find a way out of this doom box corner they put me in where I never asked to go. gave up on love a long long long time ago, bitter confused disappointed and hatered of men, I do savage things to all men now. I aint the sweet nice thing I once was and didn't get this way alone. bashing's by women and men and pushed out, sure I chose loneliness over being abused. I walked on on bands and friends cuz others walked out on me over and over stole my goals and dreams and I don't give a shit anymore about anything. I have no ex's of any kind at 46 which feel fucking fantastic and never known romance and love. and who fucking cares. i fear i am a chronic backstabber and no one seems to be safe with me not even my parents. LOL. I really should have hit them all over the head with my grandfathers zemaframes ages ago to make a stalker fucking scared of me. I still fantasise about people being injected with paint striper. so many ambulance drives to hospitals and just wanted one to hug me would have probably helped cure half the problem. I worry i will be like that mongrel hated street cat who was ginger everyone hated and never petted and he died in a persons arms the only time ever touched by a human.