my mother said I looked so thin and sick in xmas photos in 2006-07 and I was. I was vomiting a lot due to a strange rash and this vomiting would come out of nowhere with server migraines and like since 1997 my life was gym and weight loss. I went from a size 16 to a size 6 in 4 years and I had to make sacrifices of all kinds to get there, I had to starve myself, give up law school, go to support group sexual abuse meetings at night and cry and cry and cry my guts out for the person I could have been, I had to look after someone else's children for no money because they were either from abused homes or in hospital so I looked after other peoples kids cuz I had none of my own because I had only spent a good 4 years at university with no social life at all trying to do a double degree and work in govt and be everyone lap dog.

I had to exercise at several gyms to cover for the gym desire. I went to heaps of gyms paying out money to get that fix of energy and I was not a gym junkie. I worked out hard. I had a police officer as a trainer who pushed me and pushed me and pushed me doing weight bars and then I went to other gyms and got thinner.

I had to take lots of antibiotics and everything to me was being thin and blonde and pretty to be with bands and guys wanting a guy to ask me out. all I did was run after Michelle who didn't even care about me. how many times I had to chase her to stop her drinking and I told her straight stop getting drunk chasing pop bands backstage or you will end up in a situation you will regret where a guy is gonna use you. like I could see it she was gonna end up like me being drugged up and used by dickheads and r**ed" why did you keep chasing pop stars drunk and I am not doing this anymore, you don't even care about me as your friend. I studied so hard and exercised so hard and all anyone could do was put me down and ignore me. if it had not been for Chelsea I don't know where I would have been because she helped me get better so much at her gym.

just because I go back to the gym several times a week with my mum doesn't make me a gym junkie. we both used to workout at home and she is fitter then me. I got to get better and beat this illness. I have to exercise and be on special diets and I am angry for everything I had to give up. as a kid I spent most of my years from 7-11 doing my home bar workouts and pole dancing and then later when I was 12 and 15 I was enjoying my long jump. I would never have been a athlete at gymnastics cuz I only liked the uneven bars and diving and long jump. I wasn't good at a lot of things. I took skating lessons but I was not that good, just average.

all I care about is being fit and not struggling to breath and low heart rate that is painful. all I care about is losing weight and getting fit so I can beat the next cardio test I do, I beat the last one by a few seconds when I sick with serious infection that nearly killed me.

like to me gym is my only lifeline its my purpose in life, I have studied so much exercise and sport health and nutrition but I don't need to prove anything to anyone other then feeling healthy and losing weight.

I am selfish about my time and money and I want a fucking job. and more out of life.

I am never gonna be able to have a baby or marriage of my own. that part of my life and dream is over. since surgery and the cancer and doctors say I have left it too late for kids, it wasn't my choice. I wanted children and a secure marriage ages ago but its not like guys were liking me.

so all I did was study and exercise. lots of walking and meditation and yoga and study and some work but I want more work.

I am sick of this shit. really sick of the whole fucking show.

gym is my purpose in life. there is nothing else now other then holidays.