I need help with my Gender and Sexuality and Ive never admitted this to anyone and only I know about any of this.
Im coming out of the closet but need help or advice.
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I knew at a pretty young age that inside I knew I felt like a cute girl in a guys body. I felt that as an individual I would feel 100% more comfortable as female entirely and constantly day dreamed about how happy, attractive and perfect I would feel to actually have a female body to match who I was on the inside.

My manly man body never really made me feel completely right and never felt all the way like me.I always feel " OFF " when looking down at my body and seeing my body covered in nasty hair, a manly penis...I didnt really like what I saw but I knew I couldnt change it so I just settle with it because I had to. As a young kid I knew as well that I didnt really like what I had, it didnt feel correct.

Fast Forward To My High School Experience:
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Being 16 and in high school people would say I would fit the description
of a " Scene Kid " but did not really dress the part.
Not to be egotistical but I am a good looking guy and I do like that at least with big hazel eyes with long eye lashes and small lips.


I had beautiful long dark brown hair with shades of deep auburn that glistened only in the sun.
My hairstyle was a very feminine style and more of a girl haircut being long in the front with choppy bangs that went across my forehead, cut around my ears and normal male length short in the back .
My hair was my everything and still to this day a huge part of how I express myself.


Anyways, In School "and till this day" I always wear nice Hollister Collared Polo shirts that were usually brown or black to match with my girl skinny dark wash jeans that fight tightly to my backside and thighs to make my already feminine jiggly girly butt look so good" its my favorite part of my body" I would wear moccasins with fuzz on the inside to cap the outfit. So, at an early age you can see I did dress pretty feminine and express myself this way.
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Eventually in High School:

I had met and dated one girl in specific and her name was Amanda who actually happens to be pretty important to me. I remember looking at her Big eyes that I loved so much, her beautiful long black and blonde Scene bob hair and really admiring her personality for how bubbly she was, how cute she was, and thinking I wanted to be exactly like her. I wanted nothing more than to be just like this girl but there was only one problem, I was a guy and she was a girl but I knew there was a girl inside me just like here wanting to come to life. I had to settle with doing the best as I could as a guy, but seen her as a person who is like the feminine girl in me. I couldnt tell you how I admired her.


Cross Dressing Begins :

Being alone by myself in the house one of my favorite things to do was trying on girls clothing because of how it made me feel. I could not buy my own so I " borrowed " my cousins who was a sweet little blonde girl. I would wear her all of her underwear and I remember she had so many cute, soft cotton pairs that snugged me so perfectly, Id wear her jeans that were tight like I loved, her bras stuffed because she had really big boobs, cute socks and shoes and alternate different outfits to dresses and pretty skirts. I would do my hair, shave my legs and chest, and sometimes put on mascara and walk around as normal. Paint my toes and fingers and all that... This made me feel euphoric .

Eventually the dressing up stopped for the longest time. I accepted I was a guy and just lived with it and tried to be happy.I forgot about dressing up and all that because I knew people would see me as weird, creepy or sick. I still expressed femininely but when I got out of High School and Got a job. During my grown up period I had a lot of very sexy girlfriends who I enjoyed being committed to and being with intimately, having all sorts of sex and saving their panties in collections to get off to later and truly loving it and craving sex all the time. I always enjoyed getting as intimate and raw as I could while having sex with some girls I truly loved.I was even able to ejaculate in a few girls who had IUDS which was incredible and deeply intimate BUT THE

Mix up happens here and this is where im confused.


Then I met this gay guy who happened to become a very close friend who unknowingly had plans for me, by that I mean he already knew when he met me he wanted to fuck me, I had no idea.
He eventually made me comfortable enough to somehow work his way into actually getting sexual with me by touching me and then kissing me and then blowing me and me trying to blow him and me swallowing him. I wasnt sure how I felt and at the time I wasnt comfortable telling any soul on earth. My dad even talked with him and told him he better not " make me day or hed kick his ass " but didnt know we were already doing things like this.



At first I wasn't sure how I felt about the little stuff, then it was just fun kinky sex and then our sex turned into full on unprotected sex where he would actually orgasm inside of me without a condom...being that close and having his DNA or apart of him, inside in me... for some odd reason knowing that made me feel loved because of how deeply intimate going inside of me was. I tried topping him once or twice but didnt really like it at all and didnt do it again, I feel at home being a bottom and feel cute, attractive, sexy ... all the things I want to feel.



I felt so good about myself knowing I contributed to his sexual pleasure, I felt really cute and really attractive about myself when I was on top of him having sex and to have his penis inside of me bare skin feeling me from inside.... It was intimacy I never felt, and have only done with him.. no other guys yet because I really want him back but if I cant Id like to try finding a guy sometime. We had a lot of secret affairs together, lots and I loved it but BAM, again it stopped suddenly and I was left SO confused.

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Conclusion/Wrap up :

So today,im sitting here still feeling like I want to feel, be and look cute/bubbly and to feel sexy and attractive in ways a guy simply can not be. Id love to be who I really am on the inside all together still and I know who I really am but sometimes think the fear of discrimination and alienation hinders me . I constantly try to look feminine in ways that arent very noticable like tight jeans for my bigg round jiggly butt, nice choppy/stylish hair, and when I want to get " loose " ill throw on a small amount of mascara to make my eyes pop but nothing huge.. I want to stay low key until im ready and sure. .

I STILL feel good wearing some girls clothing like cotton panties from time to time that fit me so perfectly snugg that help make my butt look great in a pair of tight jeans when I go out in public or sometimes even cute socks with my shoes, it still makes me feel good but undercover, HOWEVER I dont wear anything else like dresses, skirts, shirts, bras anymore.. just panties and socks sometimes.

I like sex with boys and really want to feel the way I once did but Im scared to come out and admit this so its hard for me to get a boyfriend and to have a intimate, committed long term relationship.

I also still like having sex with girls and being with them. I have sex with my girlfriend all the time and often look at naked girls all over tuumblur.SOOOO


I accepted that im probably bisexual in some way,
or am I transexual ?
Am I a lesbian/bisexual female in a guys body?
I know im not completely gay because I do love girls and having sex with them too.