Id like to talk to you about something devastating that has happened to me and the way that I so recklessly handled or am handling my situation.

So here is a little bit of back info to help you understand whats going, I met this girl in Highschool and when I met her I felt something special, warm and amazing. I was 14 and she was 18. We started dating and It felt amazing, she ended up taking my virginity and what is special to me about this is that it was full on, unprotected so I felt extra intimate with her. You will always remember or love your first.

This is where I found out who she was and what exactly she was doing to me.
After a while she began acting weird,distant and liked to keep her phone close.I knew something was wrong and I had a horrible feeling and I just didn't want to believe it so I had walked many miles to her house one late night with flowers and a love letter to see if I could sway her back. I called her to let me in and received no answer, very odd. I knocked over and over on the door, again no answer. I knew she was there as her car was in the driveway and she lived with her mom. Well, I looked through her window and seen her in there with her ex boyfriend wide awake, naked. It broke me, I then spoke with a few friends who had admitted to me that she had cheated a lot on me, she admitted she did this to get attention and that she liked the way cheating felt. It screwed me up, after we broke up I enjoyed every day apart, NOW, fast forward 10- 11 years later.


I'm at the end of a bad relationship, I know things are bad and going down quickly.
It was later at night and the current " soon to be EX " was gone so I went for a walk and guess what? I run into Torie " The Main girl in story " We had conversation that led me into her apartment and then to fooling around and then all out unprotected sex, I had an affair.
Eventually me and the " soon to be ex " broke up and I began dating Torie again. She told me she had changed, she has a kid now so I thought she might have matured on from wanting attention from every guy.

We dated for a few years this time round, It wasn't perfect, we had fights, we had petty name calling, I had got a IIP, she belittled me a lot and used mental and psychical contact such as grabbing my arms when she was overly mad at me. We had awesome amazing, loving moments to,I related to her kid in the best way, played and loved him. This was my family, I loved them, and I would have died for her. I really thought this was it, I was so close.

Sadly, an all to familiar situation was growing and I knew it and didn't want to believe it.
I began treating her so well, babying her and giving her everything. Id ask her what was wrong and shed blow it off, remain distant and cold .


With a few words she brought my nightmare into reality. She had told me that she had long work vaction down south, and at first she told me I could have gone, but this day she told me that I was messed up for even thinking I could come and told me how much of a bad person I was for missing her. She left to work that morning, and I went to work, after work I came home like normal and expecting nothing out of the ordinary until she called. She had said some really messed up stuff in order to get me to break up or leave our apartment, she had admitted just this as " she knew it would kill me inside and didn't know how to break up "


This is where there darkness starts and ends with something I said id never do.

I left our apartment and had one place to go and that was with my sister and I hated it there as these people are not very proactive in life, I moved in. Torie supposedly flew off out of state, and every day Id break down bawling, crying so hard that I couldn't drive.
Id beg her to not do this, shed treat me like a stranger and so mean and made me believe it was all my fault which hurt so bad.


I didn't want this to be real and I didn't think that it was. I remember thinking how bad I felt looking into the sky knowing she was up there polluting the beautiful night sky of which I once admired so deeply. I hated this. I knew I had to do something and that was to act happy... not knowing meanwhile that the pain was only festering beneath the surface.


I was having sex with any girl, drinking and partying. I needed something to numb the pain.
I met a guy at a party who liked to do coke, I approached and asked him and he let me try.
After that I wanted more, so I got more, and after that I wanted more and more. I loved this, it was a beautiful way to destroy what she had already totaled, my passion, love and life.


It numbed the pain so well, and still does.
I'm watching myself being torn apart and I'm getting enjoyment from it.
Ive been hurt way to many times to ever love again .
I love caine, and its my best friend now and no one knows