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Obsessions
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Straight Male / 45
Wishing I Were A Girl
I'm not gay, but prayed for a few years between ages 12 - 15 that God would kill me or make me a girl.
I was a decent kid but not macho enough to fit in with the jocks and cool punks in my family. I didnt go to Vo-Tech where all my cousins did. They were real men and planned to work real jobs. I was the faggot destined for college. My dad was good to me as a son, but even he told me I wasn't tough enough.
My mom on the other hand had it good. She struggled to stay thin, but when she was on her game, guys would do a lot for her. It was the late eighties and she was under 40. She was tall, had a natural size DD bra (i think, I know her bras left dents in her shoulders from the weight...she eventually had then reduced to I think an E, so they may have bigger naturally...something like that) and wore more mini skirts and tight jeans than any other mom I knew at the time. My dad used to point out any time he was looking up her skirt and say to me "this is what it's all about." I look up women's skirts sometimes aggressively even today its such a part of me. Today my mother is your typical round granny, but back when she card she was known as a bombshell.
My mom and I also had a bond. On weekends when I was 4-9 or so we would lie together naked in my parents bed while my dad went hunting or fishing. She would kiss me from head to toe roll me over and do it again. Then I would kiss her the same way. To this day if I kiss my wife down her body I think of my 30-something mother naked in bed. I learned early on that my mom had a great ass...I learned later that it was white girl flat. I married a curvy girl and love it. My dad would come home on Saturdays and walk in on us cuddling. I don't think he ever saw us body kissing, but he saw us snuggle naked several times at least that I can picture. Only once that I can remember when I was maybe age 7 did he get into bed so he spooned her naked while she spooned me naked. I realized when I was older that the way they moved against me that he fucked her from behind while she held me.
Years later I have discussed all this with my wife. She also had sexual encounters when she was 9 and 10 with her mom's boyfriend who would enter her room at night and pleasure her in bed while her mother slept. When we first shared our stories with each other while we were dating, and a few times after that, we'd have powerful organs each reliving our stories. We probably haven't done that in 20 years now.
This all back story to me wishing I was a girl when I was 12-15. I saw how easy my mom had it versus how much of a soft weak lower I was as a young man. I thought that since I was her child, that had I been a woman I might have looked like her and treated like her.
Whenever my parents made weekend plans during this time, I would act it out. First with her panties, then with any of her clothes I could fit into. I don't know how the sizing worked but somehow at those ages I could squeeze into most of her clothing, especially skirts. When I was closer to 12, I could force my feet in her heels. I was lucky that my mom was a clothes horse, so each year there would be bags of work suits and casual clothes that would go to goodwill. I had all sorts of skirts and pants and jeans to choose from. Her panties were typically nylon...i don't know if they didn't make cotton girls underwear in the 80s but all my mom had was silk and nylon.
My mom also had a habit of peeing in public. We often pulled by the side of the road. She'd squat with her ass out and "tinkle" as she lived to call it. We'd go out in the boat and she'd hang over the side and pee through her swimsuits then splash water over her crotch to rinse. She often peed in our pool because it was too much hassle to get out. She'd fan the yellow cloud of piss around until it disappeared. She allowed me to pee in the pool too...which I find entirely gross today.
Between 12 and 15 I thought it erotic to be in her clothing, piss in it and jack off while wearing the wet panties. I can't count the number of times I did that. With the goodwill jeans, I eventually started to shit in them too. I sacrificed some of her everyday nylon underwear for the shit sessions. I would put dining room chairs on my bed so that I could see myself in her skirts, and flash the panties at myself in the mirror. It hurt to tuck my cock and balls, but I did what I could to make it look like I had a smooth pussy in skirts, pants and jeans. I tried a broom handle up my ass yo see if I could be a woman and like dick, but that didn't go well. I tried on nylons and pissed and crapped in them too. Occasionally I would jerk off in the panties and dry them with the hair dryer so I knew she would have my sperm in her panties. I became excellent at doing laundry. I pretended to do it as a way to help out around the house as they both worked, but really I only did laundry when they were away from the house and I had piss to clean up.
When it rained I would press my head against the window and ask God why he hadn't changed me or if he wasn't why he didn't just kill me with lightning. Now I don't really believe in God other than the Bible being a monk's way of teaching moral lessons to dark ages peasants.
At 16 I got my driver's license and was rarely home. I dated, but never had sex until college because I think my penis is too small. In college I figured I had to try it. I still think it's too small, but my partner always seem to orgasm. I thought about being gay, but I think a guy's private are ugly and can't stop looking at and fantasizing about women.
I'm probably forgetting something. I did discover porn when I was 11 or 12. My mom was cleaning out clothing drawers and found a Penthouse my dad had read but forgot about. I was allowed to read it cover to cover then had to throw it out. The pictures were good, but some were similar to my mom. The stories were awesome. I remember a threesome MFM story and a lesbian story. I fantasize about MFM to this day but my wife resists. I get harder thinking of sex scenarios that I do sometimes having six. I beg my wife to cheat on me or cuckold me, but so far no.
I just thought of a vision of my mom on the weekend. She often wore cotton short shorts and loose fitting t shirts and tank tops with no bra. My dad loved to see her tits sway. She didn't wear underwear all the time, maybe 50-50. When I was around 10 I went without underwear one day. My mom saw up my shorts that I wasn't wearing underwear and she smacked the side of my head as hard as she could. "Men wear underwear" she said.
I've learned to hide all this, so doubt anyone would expect it. My wife knows. I did cheat on her once, and regretted it while I was doing it...I lost my erection while doing it and shot my load with a limp duck barely in the girl's pussy. Its the one real secret I have that absolutely no one knows. I think often about telling my wife but it would hurt her too much and that is worse than any relief I'd get from confessing to her. She's my best friend and lover. At the time I thought, "well its like pot, you should try anything once." Worst decision of my life.
What else...I groped a cousin's pussy in the pool when she was 10 and I was 15. She didn't complain. To this day I have a crush on her.
The rest is maybe interesting to me but standard stuff to others. I've felt up women, groped women and pulled their thongs out of their pants as the shopped. I've stalked teenage girls in mini skirts to look up their skirts. I've spent hours in a parking lot parked next to someone's car because I saw the girl had on a skirt and I'll be able to stand by her xar door and peek at her crotch while she gets in. I've done hours of gropung and upskirting...years. I've watched in hotel windows as couples have sex. I have used mirrors in hotel homes to look under doors and through bathroom vents into women's room. I wrote "Came in her thong" on this site on October 3.
I could go on but it's late and my wife would get suspicious if she woke up and saw me on the phone typing away. She'd assume I'm writing more dirty porn stories on a website.
Thanks.
I was a decent kid but not macho enough to fit in with the jocks and cool punks in my family. I didnt go to Vo-Tech where all my cousins did. They were real men and planned to work real jobs. I was the faggot destined for college. My dad was good to me as a son, but even he told me I wasn't tough enough.
My mom on the other hand had it good. She struggled to stay thin, but when she was on her game, guys would do a lot for her. It was the late eighties and she was under 40. She was tall, had a natural size DD bra (i think, I know her bras left dents in her shoulders from the weight...she eventually had then reduced to I think an E, so they may have bigger naturally...something like that) and wore more mini skirts and tight jeans than any other mom I knew at the time. My dad used to point out any time he was looking up her skirt and say to me "this is what it's all about." I look up women's skirts sometimes aggressively even today its such a part of me. Today my mother is your typical round granny, but back when she card she was known as a bombshell.
My mom and I also had a bond. On weekends when I was 4-9 or so we would lie together naked in my parents bed while my dad went hunting or fishing. She would kiss me from head to toe roll me over and do it again. Then I would kiss her the same way. To this day if I kiss my wife down her body I think of my 30-something mother naked in bed. I learned early on that my mom had a great ass...I learned later that it was white girl flat. I married a curvy girl and love it. My dad would come home on Saturdays and walk in on us cuddling. I don't think he ever saw us body kissing, but he saw us snuggle naked several times at least that I can picture. Only once that I can remember when I was maybe age 7 did he get into bed so he spooned her naked while she spooned me naked. I realized when I was older that the way they moved against me that he fucked her from behind while she held me.
Years later I have discussed all this with my wife. She also had sexual encounters when she was 9 and 10 with her mom's boyfriend who would enter her room at night and pleasure her in bed while her mother slept. When we first shared our stories with each other while we were dating, and a few times after that, we'd have powerful organs each reliving our stories. We probably haven't done that in 20 years now.
This all back story to me wishing I was a girl when I was 12-15. I saw how easy my mom had it versus how much of a soft weak lower I was as a young man. I thought that since I was her child, that had I been a woman I might have looked like her and treated like her.
Whenever my parents made weekend plans during this time, I would act it out. First with her panties, then with any of her clothes I could fit into. I don't know how the sizing worked but somehow at those ages I could squeeze into most of her clothing, especially skirts. When I was closer to 12, I could force my feet in her heels. I was lucky that my mom was a clothes horse, so each year there would be bags of work suits and casual clothes that would go to goodwill. I had all sorts of skirts and pants and jeans to choose from. Her panties were typically nylon...i don't know if they didn't make cotton girls underwear in the 80s but all my mom had was silk and nylon.
My mom also had a habit of peeing in public. We often pulled by the side of the road. She'd squat with her ass out and "tinkle" as she lived to call it. We'd go out in the boat and she'd hang over the side and pee through her swimsuits then splash water over her crotch to rinse. She often peed in our pool because it was too much hassle to get out. She'd fan the yellow cloud of piss around until it disappeared. She allowed me to pee in the pool too...which I find entirely gross today.
Between 12 and 15 I thought it erotic to be in her clothing, piss in it and jack off while wearing the wet panties. I can't count the number of times I did that. With the goodwill jeans, I eventually started to shit in them too. I sacrificed some of her everyday nylon underwear for the shit sessions. I would put dining room chairs on my bed so that I could see myself in her skirts, and flash the panties at myself in the mirror. It hurt to tuck my cock and balls, but I did what I could to make it look like I had a smooth pussy in skirts, pants and jeans. I tried a broom handle up my ass yo see if I could be a woman and like dick, but that didn't go well. I tried on nylons and pissed and crapped in them too. Occasionally I would jerk off in the panties and dry them with the hair dryer so I knew she would have my sperm in her panties. I became excellent at doing laundry. I pretended to do it as a way to help out around the house as they both worked, but really I only did laundry when they were away from the house and I had piss to clean up.
When it rained I would press my head against the window and ask God why he hadn't changed me or if he wasn't why he didn't just kill me with lightning. Now I don't really believe in God other than the Bible being a monk's way of teaching moral lessons to dark ages peasants.
At 16 I got my driver's license and was rarely home. I dated, but never had sex until college because I think my penis is too small. In college I figured I had to try it. I still think it's too small, but my partner always seem to orgasm. I thought about being gay, but I think a guy's private are ugly and can't stop looking at and fantasizing about women.
I'm probably forgetting something. I did discover porn when I was 11 or 12. My mom was cleaning out clothing drawers and found a Penthouse my dad had read but forgot about. I was allowed to read it cover to cover then had to throw it out. The pictures were good, but some were similar to my mom. The stories were awesome. I remember a threesome MFM story and a lesbian story. I fantasize about MFM to this day but my wife resists. I get harder thinking of sex scenarios that I do sometimes having six. I beg my wife to cheat on me or cuckold me, but so far no.
I just thought of a vision of my mom on the weekend. She often wore cotton short shorts and loose fitting t shirts and tank tops with no bra. My dad loved to see her tits sway. She didn't wear underwear all the time, maybe 50-50. When I was around 10 I went without underwear one day. My mom saw up my shorts that I wasn't wearing underwear and she smacked the side of my head as hard as she could. "Men wear underwear" she said.
I've learned to hide all this, so doubt anyone would expect it. My wife knows. I did cheat on her once, and regretted it while I was doing it...I lost my erection while doing it and shot my load with a limp duck barely in the girl's pussy. Its the one real secret I have that absolutely no one knows. I think often about telling my wife but it would hurt her too much and that is worse than any relief I'd get from confessing to her. She's my best friend and lover. At the time I thought, "well its like pot, you should try anything once." Worst decision of my life.
What else...I groped a cousin's pussy in the pool when she was 10 and I was 15. She didn't complain. To this day I have a crush on her.
The rest is maybe interesting to me but standard stuff to others. I've felt up women, groped women and pulled their thongs out of their pants as the shopped. I've stalked teenage girls in mini skirts to look up their skirts. I've spent hours in a parking lot parked next to someone's car because I saw the girl had on a skirt and I'll be able to stand by her xar door and peek at her crotch while she gets in. I've done hours of gropung and upskirting...years. I've watched in hotel windows as couples have sex. I have used mirrors in hotel homes to look under doors and through bathroom vents into women's room. I wrote "Came in her thong" on this site on October 3.
I could go on but it's late and my wife would get suspicious if she woke up and saw me on the phone typing away. She'd assume I'm writing more dirty porn stories on a website.
Thanks.
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