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My Relationship With My Cousin

Sorry this is long. I've never written this all out and even never told my therapist most of it.

Growing up, my family was pretty close. My aunt and uncle visited pretty regularly, a couple of times a month, but because they lived a couple of hours away they'd almost always stay the night on a Friday or Saturday, sometimes a whole weekend. We had one guest bedroom and they'd sleep in there, but there wasn't a room for my cousin so they always had her sleep in my room. She and I were the same age, so when we were really young it was fun and exciting because we liked to play together, she'd bring over whatever toys or a movie she got since I last saw her and we'd play and build forts with the blankets. Kid shit. I loved having her there and always looked forward to these visits.

Well when we were about 11, they came over like usual but when she got to my house she was kind of quiet and acted funny. When it was time to go to bed she told me she had a movie she wanted to watch with me and it had something in it she wanted to show me. I really don't remember what the movie was but there was a scene with some teenagers making out. We got to that part and her eyes were glued to the screen and her mouth kind of hanging open, I looked over and could see her lips moving a little bit. After it was over she paused it and said "can we watch that again?" I just nodded. She rewound it and we probably watched it fifteen times. My heart was racing and I was a little nervous, I didn't really know at the time but I was horny and realized later she was too. It's funny how little it takes to get excited when you've never seen anything like that.

She paused it and looked at me after the last time and asked if I'd ever kissed anyone like that. I said no and asked her if she had, she said "no.. I wonder what it's like." I don't know what came over me but I just leaned in and kissed her. I don't know what I expected to happen but she let me and after a second we just stared at each other. We didn't do anything else that night, we went to bed and barely talked. They left the next day.

Well, the next time they came over she was acting weird again. She would barely talk to me but after dinner we both went to my room and she sat down and said "will you kiss me again?" I had been thinking about the last time since it happened so I agreed and sat next to her on the bed. I put my lips on hers and remember how hot and flushed my face felt and how nervous I was. We didn't know what we were doing so we just pushed our lips together a bunch. She said her lips felt tingly and so did between her legs but I didn't really know what that meant. She said she wanted to try it like they did in the movie and to open my mouth so we did that, stuck tongues in each other's mouths and just went at it for who kows how long.

Every time she came over after that was more normal, she was less weird, but we didn't play with toys in my room anymore. All we did was make out. We still didn't really know what we were doing, but sometimes she'd sit in my lap, sometimes we would do it laying down because we were in bed to sleep. Just lots of making out. Eventually our lips would get tired and raw from the spit so we'd stop and do something else but we'd always go back to kissing.

A couple of years later, she came over with a new video that was one her parents watched, and it had a sex scene in it. Again don't remember the movie but we watched if after everyone went to bed and played that sex scene on repeat for a long time. Eventually she asked if I wanted to try it but we didn't really know what they were doing, just bodies mashing together. She took off her shirt and told me to kiss her. I felt her boobs while I was and got really lightheaded, it was my first time seeing or touching any. I'd discovered internet porn but back then it was all just pictures, videos were not easy to find, especially without getting caught. So we got naked, I laid down on the bed and she sat on my lap and wiggled back and forth a bunch but again, we had no idea what we were doing. Just that it all felt very good. We kept kissing a bunch and with her sitting on my hard on, grinding on me, I had my first orgasm. It made a mess and I got freaked out so she got off, I cleaned up, and we got dressed. We talked about what to do and decided that since nothing hurt it was probably okay.

Needless to say, things progressed from there. I saw things in porn that made me want to try new things with her. Not long after that I told her about blowjobs and we tried that. She did not like my cum in her mouth at first but I told her all the girls in porn either take it in their mouth or on their face so we tried both.

By the time we were 15 we'd done so much messing around and experimenting. I remember the first time she swallowed my cum, the first time I stuck a finger inside her, the time she came over and told me she figured out how to have an orgasm and that time was a lot of fun. She showed me how she did it and asked if I would do it to her so the entire weekend I spent doing that. And at fifteen we decided we needed to have sex the right way. My mom had the "sex talk" with me by now so I knew about pregnancy and I bought some condoms from a grocery store nearby. The next time she came over I told her I had them so we should try it. It was awkward, she wasn't wet enough but we didn't know that was a thing really. She laid on her back and it took some time to get it in but I did and slowly started fucking her. I remember looking down at her and realizing how beautiful she was. How good she looked, better than the porn stars I'd seen, and also feeling love. It didn't last long because after maybe a minute of fucking her I had an orgasm that made me crumple on top of her. We got cleaned up, she said she was a little sore but she was happy I liked it so much.

Kissing felt different after that. It felt like kissing a girlfriend more than just making out because it felt good. Every time she'd come over after that we'd have sex as many times as possible, usually limited by my three pack of condoms running out lol. Eventually we started cuddling when we'd sleep, some more tender kisses and gazes exchanged when we'd be laying in bed together in the post-orgasm glow. We had developed a really deep sex life and started getting romantic feelings and I didn't know what to do. Eventually I started missing her a lot in between visits. We both got cell phones, we started texting and calling a lot. I got a summer job, a car, I would drive on weekends to pick her up and take her on dates. We were teenagers and really had no idea what we were doing.

Well.. It all came to a halt when we got caught kissing. My mom saw her kiss me in our back yard and there was just no explaining our way out of it. We were making out for a couple of minutes, my hand was up her shirt, when she looked up and saw my mom staring at us from the sliding glass door. She called all the adults together and we had to explain ourselves. We didn't tell them much. Just that we'd kissed a few times. My parents put me in therapy and our families stopped visiting together as much. We weren't allowed to text or call, so we emailed from time to time but it was never the same. We were both pretty heartbroken but I can say now it was for the best.

Once we graduated and went off to college, she got in touch and said she wanted to see me. We had barely seen each other for about three years so I was nervous but I drove to her school to meet her for lunch. When we saw each other, she hugged me and just cried. We kissed a few times and it was really just very emotional. We'd both been to therapy at this point and processed what we went through separately but it never really squashed the emotional connection we developed. A lot of catching up over lunch but we ended up going back to her apartment and having sex, and we just held each other and cried after. It was very overwhelming. I had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend at the time, but it felt like something we had to do, because our relationship was ended without our consent. It was the closure we needed. She was on birth control, so it was the first time I'd ever been able to cum inside her and it was the best sexual experience I've ever had. We fucked four times that night in total and that was it.

She and I are still close. She's married now with a couple of kids, and I'm engaged. We haven't had sex since that night, nor have we wanted to. She feels like an ex to me, but she also feels like a best friend. Our relationship has gotten stronger and neither of us regrets the past.

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