The Awakening

I am very confused and don't know what to do. My heart breaks every day for my beautiful family and the terrible mistake I made.  

Maybe if I start from the beginning you'll get the picture. 

I grew up middle class, went to college, married my gf, got a job. 2 girls, now 4 and 6. 

My sex life with my wife was very active and we included often toys and some kink play. I always had a very high sex drive, so I liked to wank off watching porn.  About a year ago, I came across gay porn and was captivated to the point I couldn't stop watching and was finding it very arousing. This went on for days, until I gave in and started wanking off to them. I really tried to switch to normal porn again but my orgasms felt lukewarm. Watching men having sex, was giving me the most intensive orgasms ever. From that moment those thoughts took over my life.  I was imagining myself in their places and the pleasure was indescribable.  

We still had sex with my wife,  with me developing an ass fixation. I could fuck her doggy style for hours, imagining I was pounding inside a man's ass. It wasn't ideal but it worked until…. 

3 months ago,  I had to travel outside of state.  It was dark and I was driving, looking for my hotel when I drove by a red light district. I don't know what came over me, but I stopped beside a cute young man and asked if he had some time.  He got in my car and we drove to my hotel.  I was scared to death but never so excited. 

Watching this gorgeous guy moving in the room, was having me hard instantly. 

I guess he got the picture bcz he took the initiative to touch me. He unbuttoned my shirt slowly, he pushed me gently to sit on a chair, opened my zipper pants and touched over my boxers my leaking cock. My heart was pounding but I was never that aroused. He took out my cock and started stroking me  and I thought I would shoot my load at this very moment.  He put his tongue on my uncircumcised cock and took a generous lick before swallowing all of my shaft. He was so good at licking and swirling his tongue, sucking my heavy balls and before I knew I was fkkn his mouth and he was gagging.  I've never felt this kind of lust. I was about to cum when he stopped and asked me if I wanted to fkk him. I was startled at first and before I opened my mouth,  he took his clothes off,  lubed his ass (I didn't know it was necessary), straddled my lap and eased himself on my painfully hard cock.  When he started bouncing, I lost control and was kissing him like crazy.  He was pinching my nipples and it was the best sex of my life.  

We continued in the bed where I fkkd him doggy and his moaning was such a turn on.  Ive never had such consuming orgasms as in  this night.  I was insatiable.  

I know I was careless with fkkn bareback and picking up a random prostitute during covid but I don't regret it. Nothing ever felt this right in my life as that moment.  

Ofc the guilt followed shortly after the guy left.  But there wasn't a comeback after this.  I was hooked.  After I drove home, I started looking around for guys to fuck. I received countless bj and enjoy sucking cock as well.  I'm now at the point that I also enjoy taking a cock up my ass and loving it. My mind is consumed with searching for possibilities to hook up with guys.  The dirtier,  the better.

You see my problem now? 

Most of the times, I can't fkk my wife anymore bcz I can't keep up an erection anymore. Sometimes it works when I picture her as a man, but the moment she speaks or moans I can't  continue.  To be totally honest a woman's body isn't working for me anymore.  I can't even get an erection watching regular porn.

I don't want to leave my family.  We love eachother but it's not the same anymore.  And it's killing me, seeing my beautiful wife doubt herself and struggling. 
I would give anything to go back in time and not watch gay porn.
Maybe I wouldn't be in that mess.

But how can I say this to her? That I have redefined myself and I am very very gay and there's no turning back. 

Sorry it was such a long story but I have no one to tell and this was the very first time I did. 
Thanks for reading