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My Spouse
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Straight Female / 37
Forgiven But Not Forgotten
Im in what seems like a happy relationship with the man of dreams for a couple years now. We're currently expecting our first baby. my fifth and his fifth, but our first. I can't describe in words how much I love this man and how he's made me feel since the day I've met him. We've been friends long before getting together but I've always loved him and these past couple years have been up and down but mostly wonderful.
However when it was down, it was really down. We can fight like cats and dogs and he's not exactly a clean fighter. He says things that are very very hard to forget. I'm normally the one who will suck it up and talk out whatever it is in the moment to try and fix whatever issues and clear up the forces that have tested us and tried tearing us apart. He has proven to be more than I ever imagined with these kind of things by going above and beyond to show how much loves me and doesn't want to lose me.
But there are somethings that have been weighing very heavy on my mind since discovering that he potentially is not as faithful or loyal as he wants to claim. After the first time catching him talking to another woman about me, and trying to be with them both emotionally and sexually. I figured it was a itch considering the Rocky situation we were going through after losing our first pregnancy. It was a hard pill to swallow for the both of us. Even more so for me after finding out he was outside our relationship showing that he wanted someone else other than me all whilst convincing me that I'm the only one he wants and he wouldn't cheat on me. So I did what any good wife and partner would do. I forgave him and tried to move past it and on with our relationship. Giving him the benefit of all doubts because I really love him more than anything. But as time past on.. I couldnt shake this feeling that he's trying hide something from me. Which must of came from the breach of trust that was caused when I caught him talking to another woman, of course.. I mean it's perfectly normal right? To be weary after something like that? But I could t put my finger on it and it started depress me for feeling this way when I didn't want to think of him like this anymore because it was affecting our relationship to the point where I couldn't orgasm anymore. I couldn't put it behind my mind enough to really get into the sex mentally like I need to, to cum and it created a viscous cycle for me where I felt bad not being able to achieve an orgasm regardless of his efforts to the point where he openly told me he was starting to resent me because it's becoming work and chore to make me cum. Which was devastating beyond knowing he cheated or tried to cheat on me. I didn't know someone could be a "chore" to someone they swear to love to no ends. It took me to a dark place in my thoughts feeling like if I can't repair this, I'll for surely lose him to someone else who will cum for him without issue. Silly right?
Considering that we can have quite the amazing and open sex life where we have opened up completely about fantasy and desires. I can make him as hard as rock and bust a massive load with a few words in his ear and a wiggle of my finger and a swirl of my tongue. I make damn sure my man is always happy with a full stomach and empty ball sack. But sadly he doesn't reciprocate any of this for me (anymore). I don't expect too much, as to avoid disappointment but let's be real here... Making me feel secure and giving me a mind numbing orgasm time and time again wouldn't kill anyone, and we could both be smiling from ear to ear everyday. But I can't even bring it up or even tell him about this anymore because it seems to always cause an argument which has pulled me further down into the hole I find myself now when it comes to being honest about how I'm really feeling.
I've started to fake a lot of things. My moods. My smiles. My excuses when he notices certain expressions or vibes are off point. I won't tell what's bothering me for real, I've just lied to him about what's going in my head, like how I constantly think he's lying to me about what he's really doing or thinking. But cause not only did I catch him twice or 3 times talking to someone else behind my back and trying hide it by deleting things and being distant.. I've caught him doing it myself Re than 5 times now And one of those times, I know for sure that something happened. And he won't ever admit it to me which has destroyed my ability to ever trust him or believe him now. And I want too but when he denied it after I had facts about it. It's nearly impossible to rebuild that trust and I don't know how to tell him this now. For the longest time he would blame me for an excuse to justify him being caught and always bring up a certain time where I was r**ed while he was in jail a year prior as a good enough reason to be cheating on me. Like tit for tat which I find to be most immature and disrespectful ways to be in a relationship. If you need a excuse to cheat on someone just leave them. I just don't believe in infidelity whatsoever. It's hurtful and disrespectful and pointless. Plus I need him to emotionally support me about the r**e but like most people do to women, I was victim blamed for bringing it on myself and it was all my fault somehow for being alive and having a vagina.. I really don't know the concept of why people do that to women but it's not a good feeling or Thing to have to live with because when even your own spouse does this to you, you have no one to turn too or talk too and nothing is really harder than that. But I even I know he's a wrong to do that to me, but since I deep down do love this man regardless of the bad times we been through. I yet again stuff it down and suck it up so that we can try to move on and get over it (or at least make it look this way).
Right now, everything seems perfect. He's been in a life changing accident caused by an argument started from me knowing he was trying to leave me to be with the one girl he cheated on me with when I went t jail for a night, and he continued to talk to and didn't even try to hide it. It caused an argument resulting in him hitting his head really hard off the ground in a rage and he could have died. I in that moment didn't care about any of that shit and realized arguing wasn't worth losing him to anything. The only reason why I even cared to argue was because of how I felt about him. I guess that's why they say love hurts. Idk lol. But we got and this charade didn't stop. it wasn't just one woman either at the but a handful now. But after the accident he held onto me a little closer (so it seemed) but still managed to go behind my back talking to these women, one of which was his ex girlfriend and he told her that I was the reason why he got hurt and that he regretted letting her go and missed her and loves her and wanted to make love to her for hours.. Literally telling her this minutes before having sex with me.
This fucking crushed me beyond words. I felt like I hated him in this moment for doing this to me after finding out we finally got pregnant again. Like it meant nothing and I meant nothing. Like we are both wasting each others time. Plus him swearing to me up and down this is what he wanted and yada yada..that He only loves me. I can't even believe that anymore.
And then he went to jail for a month and sobered up. I think he realized how good he has it with me because regardless of everything.. I stuck by him and still do. We kinda talked about things and I wrote letters to him about it and he made me promises and got closer to me emotionally and started getting serious about our baby and getting excited telling everyone and being extra sweet and totally more into only me. And I can see it. I can feel it. So of course I forgive him, but no matter how much I try.. I cannot forget all of ot. And it is getting to the point where it literally is haunting me and floods my thoughts randomly like PTSD would. I can be sitting there admiring him or doing something unrelated, then bang! I think about him with her and all the things he said and and might have said and all his lies. Its lowkey destroying me. And I wish wouldn't. I focus so much on hiding this from him now that any focus on me is completely obsolete and it sucks. Because I don't cum at all anymore. My orgasm no longer matters and it's probably all my fault. I don't want to talk about it anymore or argue about it. I want him to be happy and satisfied so there's never a reason to stray away, so much that I can't even get into it anymore or feel any sort of satisfaction sexually. what's worse is when I do start to get into it, my thoughts go sideways again and kill it it for me because I don't feel secure enough to trust him and get over this. Yet I can't bare to lose him now, not after how far we've come and our son due in a couple months. Sadly none of those feeling make what feels like is slowly killing me, go away. No matter how hard I try. I just can't forget how much it hurt and it really isn't fair. But oh well. Back to acting like it's all nothing.
However when it was down, it was really down. We can fight like cats and dogs and he's not exactly a clean fighter. He says things that are very very hard to forget. I'm normally the one who will suck it up and talk out whatever it is in the moment to try and fix whatever issues and clear up the forces that have tested us and tried tearing us apart. He has proven to be more than I ever imagined with these kind of things by going above and beyond to show how much loves me and doesn't want to lose me.
But there are somethings that have been weighing very heavy on my mind since discovering that he potentially is not as faithful or loyal as he wants to claim. After the first time catching him talking to another woman about me, and trying to be with them both emotionally and sexually. I figured it was a itch considering the Rocky situation we were going through after losing our first pregnancy. It was a hard pill to swallow for the both of us. Even more so for me after finding out he was outside our relationship showing that he wanted someone else other than me all whilst convincing me that I'm the only one he wants and he wouldn't cheat on me. So I did what any good wife and partner would do. I forgave him and tried to move past it and on with our relationship. Giving him the benefit of all doubts because I really love him more than anything. But as time past on.. I couldnt shake this feeling that he's trying hide something from me. Which must of came from the breach of trust that was caused when I caught him talking to another woman, of course.. I mean it's perfectly normal right? To be weary after something like that? But I could t put my finger on it and it started depress me for feeling this way when I didn't want to think of him like this anymore because it was affecting our relationship to the point where I couldn't orgasm anymore. I couldn't put it behind my mind enough to really get into the sex mentally like I need to, to cum and it created a viscous cycle for me where I felt bad not being able to achieve an orgasm regardless of his efforts to the point where he openly told me he was starting to resent me because it's becoming work and chore to make me cum. Which was devastating beyond knowing he cheated or tried to cheat on me. I didn't know someone could be a "chore" to someone they swear to love to no ends. It took me to a dark place in my thoughts feeling like if I can't repair this, I'll for surely lose him to someone else who will cum for him without issue. Silly right?
Considering that we can have quite the amazing and open sex life where we have opened up completely about fantasy and desires. I can make him as hard as rock and bust a massive load with a few words in his ear and a wiggle of my finger and a swirl of my tongue. I make damn sure my man is always happy with a full stomach and empty ball sack. But sadly he doesn't reciprocate any of this for me (anymore). I don't expect too much, as to avoid disappointment but let's be real here... Making me feel secure and giving me a mind numbing orgasm time and time again wouldn't kill anyone, and we could both be smiling from ear to ear everyday. But I can't even bring it up or even tell him about this anymore because it seems to always cause an argument which has pulled me further down into the hole I find myself now when it comes to being honest about how I'm really feeling.
I've started to fake a lot of things. My moods. My smiles. My excuses when he notices certain expressions or vibes are off point. I won't tell what's bothering me for real, I've just lied to him about what's going in my head, like how I constantly think he's lying to me about what he's really doing or thinking. But cause not only did I catch him twice or 3 times talking to someone else behind my back and trying hide it by deleting things and being distant.. I've caught him doing it myself Re than 5 times now And one of those times, I know for sure that something happened. And he won't ever admit it to me which has destroyed my ability to ever trust him or believe him now. And I want too but when he denied it after I had facts about it. It's nearly impossible to rebuild that trust and I don't know how to tell him this now. For the longest time he would blame me for an excuse to justify him being caught and always bring up a certain time where I was r**ed while he was in jail a year prior as a good enough reason to be cheating on me. Like tit for tat which I find to be most immature and disrespectful ways to be in a relationship. If you need a excuse to cheat on someone just leave them. I just don't believe in infidelity whatsoever. It's hurtful and disrespectful and pointless. Plus I need him to emotionally support me about the r**e but like most people do to women, I was victim blamed for bringing it on myself and it was all my fault somehow for being alive and having a vagina.. I really don't know the concept of why people do that to women but it's not a good feeling or Thing to have to live with because when even your own spouse does this to you, you have no one to turn too or talk too and nothing is really harder than that. But I even I know he's a wrong to do that to me, but since I deep down do love this man regardless of the bad times we been through. I yet again stuff it down and suck it up so that we can try to move on and get over it (or at least make it look this way).
Right now, everything seems perfect. He's been in a life changing accident caused by an argument started from me knowing he was trying to leave me to be with the one girl he cheated on me with when I went t jail for a night, and he continued to talk to and didn't even try to hide it. It caused an argument resulting in him hitting his head really hard off the ground in a rage and he could have died. I in that moment didn't care about any of that shit and realized arguing wasn't worth losing him to anything. The only reason why I even cared to argue was because of how I felt about him. I guess that's why they say love hurts. Idk lol. But we got and this charade didn't stop. it wasn't just one woman either at the but a handful now. But after the accident he held onto me a little closer (so it seemed) but still managed to go behind my back talking to these women, one of which was his ex girlfriend and he told her that I was the reason why he got hurt and that he regretted letting her go and missed her and loves her and wanted to make love to her for hours.. Literally telling her this minutes before having sex with me.
This fucking crushed me beyond words. I felt like I hated him in this moment for doing this to me after finding out we finally got pregnant again. Like it meant nothing and I meant nothing. Like we are both wasting each others time. Plus him swearing to me up and down this is what he wanted and yada yada..that He only loves me. I can't even believe that anymore.
And then he went to jail for a month and sobered up. I think he realized how good he has it with me because regardless of everything.. I stuck by him and still do. We kinda talked about things and I wrote letters to him about it and he made me promises and got closer to me emotionally and started getting serious about our baby and getting excited telling everyone and being extra sweet and totally more into only me. And I can see it. I can feel it. So of course I forgive him, but no matter how much I try.. I cannot forget all of ot. And it is getting to the point where it literally is haunting me and floods my thoughts randomly like PTSD would. I can be sitting there admiring him or doing something unrelated, then bang! I think about him with her and all the things he said and and might have said and all his lies. Its lowkey destroying me. And I wish wouldn't. I focus so much on hiding this from him now that any focus on me is completely obsolete and it sucks. Because I don't cum at all anymore. My orgasm no longer matters and it's probably all my fault. I don't want to talk about it anymore or argue about it. I want him to be happy and satisfied so there's never a reason to stray away, so much that I can't even get into it anymore or feel any sort of satisfaction sexually. what's worse is when I do start to get into it, my thoughts go sideways again and kill it it for me because I don't feel secure enough to trust him and get over this. Yet I can't bare to lose him now, not after how far we've come and our son due in a couple months. Sadly none of those feeling make what feels like is slowly killing me, go away. No matter how hard I try. I just can't forget how much it hurt and it really isn't fair. But oh well. Back to acting like it's all nothing.
