Getting Over My Guilt

After high school I took a summer job at a hotel working in room service. At the time I was sexually inexperienced and uncertain. I masturbated a lot, to different fantasies, including my younger cousin, to receiving anal sex from the man that lived across the street, to sucking cock with my troop friend when we were first in boy scouts. I felt guilty and kept my fantasies to myself.

At the hotel worked a maintenance man, he was much older in his fifties. He was heavy, with a beer belly, smoked and pinched my arm, called me baby face, grabbed my crotch, grabbed my ass. One day he followed me into this one toilet bathroom in the back of the kitchen, grabbed my crotch and forced me to tell him I liked it. He sat on the toilet and sucked my cock and I came while he was sucking me.

He waited for me to get off work at 3:30 and invited me to go to his apartment with him. He had an old pickup and we went to this old house. There wasn't much furniture, just a small table, a kitchen chair and a mattress on the floor. He fucked me on the mattress, then took all my clothes off, he took off all his clothes, he sucked me and I sucked him and we kissed and rolled around naked. After a while he decided to fuck me again, this time naked, under him and when he was finished he told me I was good and tight, just how he liked it.

I never went back to work, I never told anyone, I had anxiety attacks and was overcome by guilt.

It wasn't until I was 35 that I had sex again, this time with a man in my apartment complex, no guilt, just desire. I wanted to be naked with him, to have him fuck me. He was surprised as to how experienced I was, how hungry I was. I didn't tell him how much practice I had masturbating to the memory of my one time with the maintenance man.