I Could Be His Fantasy, But I Just Can't Do It

This relates to some other posts I've made about an affair I've been having for the past 5+ years.

To give some background, my husband is attractive and is well-endowed and is amazingly talented with his mouth. But for some reason, despite all of that, I never want sex from him anymore. The only time it happens is if we are drunk together, and then it follows a formula: he goes down on me until I cum, which is only like 2-3 minutes because he really is good, and then I spread my legs for him and tell him to cum as fast as he can. I make him pull out and then clean me off afterwards. This happens maybe 3-4 times per year at most for the past 5 years. What makes this so hard for him is he wants me so bad. He is borderline addicted to sex and would worship every inch of my body if I let him.

About a year after my husband found out about my affair, all of that time believing that I had ended my affair, I found out that he had been obsessing over cuckhold porn. Probably hours a day, which he could hide from me because he works from home and I do not. I asked him about it the next time we had sex and he spilled everything about how he can't think straight some days and wants to see me with anther man more than anything in the world. He even told me that I didn't need to start having sex with him if I would just have sex with someone else in front of him. I told him that I liked the fantasy, but I didn't think it would be possible.

I know that I could fullfil my husband's greatest fantasy, but that would mean finding someone other than B, my lover, because I know my husband wouldn't allow it to be him. I could never do that. The same way my husband obsesses about thinking about me fucking someone else, I obsess about what B will do to me the next time we're together. The thought of being with some random guy does nothing for me, but my secret relationship with B makes me soak through my panties. I'm meeting him today after work when I'm supposed to be at a happy hour with work friends and I hope he loves the way I let him use me.

Just a few weeks ago, I got drunk with my husband and we went through our routine of him going down on me and me letting him fuck me quickly. He brought up the cuckhold thing during the sex and sounded so desperate for it. All I could think about was that just a the week before I had invited B along on my work trip a few hours away and that I made him cum more times in those four days than I have made my husband cum in the past 5 years. There's a good chance that my husband washed clothes of mine that had B's cum splattered on them and that my pussy still had some bits of his cum in there when I let my husband inside. He would have lost his mind with pleasure if I told him that and told him it was anyone other than B, but I just can't do it. I can't fulfill my husbands fantasy and I can't stop letting B have me whenever he wants.