Trauma Sex?

Trigger Warning .... for SA & R

I was r*ped when i was in college.
I did report it and i have been to therapy.
It was full intercourse and very physically abusive. He didn't just fuck me he also beat the hell out of me. He over powered me and pulled me by the hair into an empty stairwell. He repeatedly punched me, slapped me, spat on me, as he pulled my skirt up tore my panties off and used me. I am a small Asian woman, I was easily over powered and overwhelmed. Honestly, at first it was more like just a physical assault, like he wanted to end me. I was in the stairwell and he was punching me in the face, head, and body like he was boxer or something until he dropped me. I thought it was the end. It was only once i was on the ground that he tore off my underwear and I realized he was entering me and fucking me. He ripped open my blouse and bra and abused my tiny tits slapping and punching them and twisting the hell out of my nipples.

It didn't last long and he just left me there when he was done and i called for help. Went to the hospital, had a broken ribs, and my face for fucked up for weeks and i was bruised all over. The police came and whole r-kit was done. He was never caught and to this day i have blocked his face out. I know i saw it but i can't recall it.

I did lots of therapy over this and honestly, i can't get over that i orgasmed during the r*pe. My counselor said it happens and it's was involuntary but I was not aroused at ll before the assault I was on my way to a party. There was nothing pleasant at all about what happened to me. I was scared to death and in pain and bleeding. I can't forgive myself for orgasming with him. I have tried.

It was five years ago. And I still can't let it go. I have a very supported boyfriend, who knows and understands, but i recently started cheating on him, quite a bit. My therapist says I am hyper sexualizing as a trauma response and that it is destructive. What i have not told my even my therapist yet is I want sex with men who don't love me, or even respect me. I don't want to be beat to shit again, but i do want to feel used, fucked and left, I want to have orgasms with men who I feel detach from or know i'll never even talk to again. It's fucked up, i know. I actually orgasm best with men i don't even like or am not even attracted too at all until sex starts.

It's totally unfair to my boyfriend who loves me so much and is so supportive. But it is also like an addiction now, and i can't stop. I am sneaking around, using apps, doing discreet hook ups with men i never plan to talk to or message back after they fuck me. I am using protection. I do feel guilty. But I want my boyfriends love but he can't give me that feeling that I am worth only one thing. I need to feel used and worthless to orgasm.