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Anything Goes
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Straight Female / 29
What If You Don't Want To Be What You Are Born To Be
I walked a mile in his shoes. They were too big for me. My lesson that women can't do things men do. Know your limits is what my lead told me. That's what we need on the team. And then as an after thought he told me to look closely, I didn't have the balls for the job.
That was the day I quit inside, I resigned my commission six months later. I decided to stay in Hawaii, use my college degree. I rented a small place, big enough for one, hidden away from the street. There I could lick my wounds. Why was I born like that, without balls. It hurt.
One night I was out with new friends I had made and a man joined the group. His comment to me when he heard I had resigned my commission. "You washed out". It hurt. No balls, I didn't cut it in a man's job.
I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself, no balls. No balls. That's what went through my mind. 28, three jobs, hiding from myself. No balls. That's all I heard, you washed out, you didn't have the balls for it. I accepted a job, short term, in Tanzania. The work was not hard, and didn't pay much. A non-profit working with tracking illegal poaching. I had a room, most people bunked up. The consultant who ran the assignment came and he told me to get my shit together, if he wanted a man he would have hired one.
In the early morning hours he came to my room, he told me he was looking for a woman, was I game? It had been a long time, since early college since a man had touched me. He was controlling, had to hold me down by force of might, position me for his dick. After he was done he told me he didn't fuck men, look in the mirror, no balls there. Get my shit together, be a woman, he had the balls.
I'm trying hard, being a woman, the way he defines it. Give up control, he does the fucking. It's not easy, I hate that I don't have balls. WHY WAS I BORN A WOMAN?
That was the day I quit inside, I resigned my commission six months later. I decided to stay in Hawaii, use my college degree. I rented a small place, big enough for one, hidden away from the street. There I could lick my wounds. Why was I born like that, without balls. It hurt.
One night I was out with new friends I had made and a man joined the group. His comment to me when he heard I had resigned my commission. "You washed out". It hurt. No balls, I didn't cut it in a man's job.
I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself, no balls. No balls. That's what went through my mind. 28, three jobs, hiding from myself. No balls. That's all I heard, you washed out, you didn't have the balls for it. I accepted a job, short term, in Tanzania. The work was not hard, and didn't pay much. A non-profit working with tracking illegal poaching. I had a room, most people bunked up. The consultant who ran the assignment came and he told me to get my shit together, if he wanted a man he would have hired one.
In the early morning hours he came to my room, he told me he was looking for a woman, was I game? It had been a long time, since early college since a man had touched me. He was controlling, had to hold me down by force of might, position me for his dick. After he was done he told me he didn't fuck men, look in the mirror, no balls there. Get my shit together, be a woman, he had the balls.
I'm trying hard, being a woman, the way he defines it. Give up control, he does the fucking. It's not easy, I hate that I don't have balls. WHY WAS I BORN A WOMAN?
