My Love Life Stopped Years Ago

I often put my age 30 when I was attacked or 45 when my world stopped but I have not had sex in over 22 years literally. That 45 is not my real age alright. I am a bit older. I feel afraid to awaken a monster in me. I watch porn and love sex doll porn and the way men make love to the perfect bodies of them. I imagine being married and having that kind of love every night and a man saying Look at me when I make love to you, I want every part of that pussy , body and soul. kind of thing. Is this dumb? Can I let love or sex in? I want both.