Lesbian Female / 40
My Struggle With Being A Lesbian From A Very Different Culture
I turned 40 this past summer. I have been legally married for 17 years to a man I have never had romantic feelings for. I have two children, 16 and 13. I'm a lesbian and I live with my lesbian partner. We are all South Asians.
When I was 23 I had finished college and was working in a drone job in a large department of a large insurance broker doing busy work. Unhappy. I had been in only one long relationship starting when I was a teenager with my then math teacher (she was 23 and I was 17 when we got together). She was very much in love with me and now that we were both 'adults' she wanted me to move in with her and be a couple.
I know that it may sound bad, but for me at that time acknowledging that I was a lesbian was not possible. Yes I had sex with her, and by that I mean complete out and out sex, and yes I was as hungry for sex as she was, and no I did not realize how much in love with her I was. I felt ashamed, and guilty about having sex with her. I did not understand that she was in love with me and I was in love with her.
I have a younger sister. And that day that my life changed I told my older coworker that she was getting married. It was just conversation. In our house, and our people, it is a bad omen for a younger sister to get married first. Plus I was 23 and didn't have a prospect for marriage. And I felt guilty about that. And for whatever reason I told my coworker about that, trying to explain to him the shame I felt of my younger sister getting married first.
What happened next happened before I could get control. He called me to his desk, I was sitting in a visiting chair in front of his desk. He stood me between him and his desk and told me he needed a woman for his house and he would fix my problem.
When my sister was getting ready to walk down the isle, she was a new bride going to her wedding bed and I told her that I belonged to a man, and I was engaged and one day I hoped he would marry me. It was the first time I acknowledged to my sister that I had some form of a sexual life. My lesbian sexual life I didn't mention.
Getting pregnant before my little sister did was the next thing on my mind. I was well aware of my fertility window and I went to the man and told him that he had to take me and ravish me that night, like my little sister was being ravished by her new husband. If he in fact intended to own me, prove it.
I got pregnant, pregnant before my sister got pregnant. At least I was going to have the first born in my family. I was intent of getting married and when I showed him I was pregnant, with a doctor's letter, he made arrangements with a lawyer and took me to the court and we got married. I got a wedding band and I was pregnant and I was able to tell my sister and family that I was 'married' and I was pregnant. It was only then that I told my husband about my lover, I confessed it all to him, how she seduced me in high school, that we had been lovers for five years and I told him I loved her, the first time I acknowledged that I loved her. Fine, but I was his wife now and I was pregnant.
My husband never stood between me and her. She was hurt that I had gotten married like that, that he had made me his woman like that, that I had gotten pregnant like that. But my husband refused to let her being upset get between her and me. He pushed us together and forced us to stay together, at one point holding us both together and forcing us to kiss. For him, it was obvious. I would live with her.
I had another child three years later and I have lived with my lesbian partner for these 17 years. My husband remains my husband. If and when he grabs me I let him, not so much out of duty, but because he 'owns' me and I've learned to like being owned by him and being ravished. He owns me, in a very different way that my partner owns me, with her we own each other. Today I acknowledge that I am a lesbian and I tell my partner I love her. For my husband I have feelings I don't quite understand, but they are very strong. I undress and get ready for bed with my partner, but if he motions with his finger at me I follow him. She says she understands.
When I was 23 I had finished college and was working in a drone job in a large department of a large insurance broker doing busy work. Unhappy. I had been in only one long relationship starting when I was a teenager with my then math teacher (she was 23 and I was 17 when we got together). She was very much in love with me and now that we were both 'adults' she wanted me to move in with her and be a couple.
I know that it may sound bad, but for me at that time acknowledging that I was a lesbian was not possible. Yes I had sex with her, and by that I mean complete out and out sex, and yes I was as hungry for sex as she was, and no I did not realize how much in love with her I was. I felt ashamed, and guilty about having sex with her. I did not understand that she was in love with me and I was in love with her.
I have a younger sister. And that day that my life changed I told my older coworker that she was getting married. It was just conversation. In our house, and our people, it is a bad omen for a younger sister to get married first. Plus I was 23 and didn't have a prospect for marriage. And I felt guilty about that. And for whatever reason I told my coworker about that, trying to explain to him the shame I felt of my younger sister getting married first.
What happened next happened before I could get control. He called me to his desk, I was sitting in a visiting chair in front of his desk. He stood me between him and his desk and told me he needed a woman for his house and he would fix my problem.
When my sister was getting ready to walk down the isle, she was a new bride going to her wedding bed and I told her that I belonged to a man, and I was engaged and one day I hoped he would marry me. It was the first time I acknowledged to my sister that I had some form of a sexual life. My lesbian sexual life I didn't mention.
Getting pregnant before my little sister did was the next thing on my mind. I was well aware of my fertility window and I went to the man and told him that he had to take me and ravish me that night, like my little sister was being ravished by her new husband. If he in fact intended to own me, prove it.
I got pregnant, pregnant before my sister got pregnant. At least I was going to have the first born in my family. I was intent of getting married and when I showed him I was pregnant, with a doctor's letter, he made arrangements with a lawyer and took me to the court and we got married. I got a wedding band and I was pregnant and I was able to tell my sister and family that I was 'married' and I was pregnant. It was only then that I told my husband about my lover, I confessed it all to him, how she seduced me in high school, that we had been lovers for five years and I told him I loved her, the first time I acknowledged that I loved her. Fine, but I was his wife now and I was pregnant.
My husband never stood between me and her. She was hurt that I had gotten married like that, that he had made me his woman like that, that I had gotten pregnant like that. But my husband refused to let her being upset get between her and me. He pushed us together and forced us to stay together, at one point holding us both together and forcing us to kiss. For him, it was obvious. I would live with her.
I had another child three years later and I have lived with my lesbian partner for these 17 years. My husband remains my husband. If and when he grabs me I let him, not so much out of duty, but because he 'owns' me and I've learned to like being owned by him and being ravished. He owns me, in a very different way that my partner owns me, with her we own each other. Today I acknowledge that I am a lesbian and I tell my partner I love her. For my husband I have feelings I don't quite understand, but they are very strong. I undress and get ready for bed with my partner, but if he motions with his finger at me I follow him. She says she understands.
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