I Was Fortunate To Have Older Homosexuals Take Me Under Their Wing

As one of five kids I was the middle kid, I helped my mother and she relied on me. I was introverted and spent a lot of time with books. My older brothers were both outside boys, played sports and were good with the girls. My younger brothers were still six and two.

My science teacher in the sixth grade, a man, gave me a book one day and told me to read it, it might help me. It was a book on homosexuality. It was hard to read, it was psychotherapy stuff but it explained a lot about homosexuality and I read it from front to back. The teacher told me to keep it, I was going to need it as I grew up.

Much of what was in the book I saw in myself. In the eighth grade I had my first crush. I dreamt of him, I masturbated thinking of him, but he was my secret. He was a fun guy, popular. I never spoke to him, except at night alone in my bed. The crush lasted a long time until it just went away. Our school was small, all the grades were on one campus. I saw my science teacher by accident, I wasn't in the primary school wing any more and I commented to him that I still had the book. This time, he gave me two books, one was a very descriptive novel of a young soldier in France and his love affair with another soldier, with sexual behavior including anal intercourse. The other was a comic book, it had page after page of comics of gay men in erotic graphics, exaggerated penises and expressions. I masturbated to both.

To say I devoured both books is not enough. I could see myself, I developed a much greater fixation on my penis and the power of penetration. I dreamt of both, as the one penetrating and as the one being penetrated. I paid attention in the dressing room and at the urinals. I could not get enough of looking at penises, and that included animal penises. I had developed a phallus fixation. It was strong and it led me to showing off my penis and aggressively looking at other men's penis. It was my music teacher in the tenth grade who was given the task to talk to me. I got the 'I know you are different, but you make people uncomfortable' talk.

What of course I didn't know at the time is that both my science teacher and my music teacher were homosexuals. It was their job to both help me on my path and to keep me from getting in trouble. They talked, I found that out later. And they kept me supplied with homosexual literature and graphic illustrations and photographs of naked homosexual men performing oral sex or anal sex. I had a lot to masturbate about. In the twelfth grade I was introduced to a penis for me to suck. I was nervous but I used the pictures and illustrations and I held the penis and I sucked it. "Good boy".

Now on to the next test. I was going off to college and there was only the summer to expose me to the real thing. Including anal sex. By then it was very evident that I was going to be the receiving party. The man was gentle, he used lubricants, he penetrated slowly but deliberately, he wanted me to like it and enjoy it. I became experienced at seeing, holding, kissing and sucking, at letting a man touch me, hold me, kiss me and penetrate me. I went off to college prepared. I got talks on needs for discretion and care on who and when to show my colors.

Much later in life, I became an attorney, I met a young man who was struggling with his obvious to me homosexuality. But because of the changes in attitudes, the dangers of solicitation, I didn't have the liberty to approach him like my mentors did. The most I could do was leave the first book on homosexuality my science teacher had given to me and hope that he would read it.