Closeted

I was in the fourth grade and my fourth grade friend suggested that we suck each other, His hard penis in my mouth is among the unforgettable experiences of my life. I was in college before I sucked a penis again. This time I felt I needed to submit to him and I let him have sex with me. Another unforgettable experience. I sometimes find myself alone thinking about those two experiences and reliving them.

Life took me into business and I met a woman at work and married her. Truthfully I didn't love her and sex with her was mechanical. Obligatory. But she was intent on being married and she got pregnant and had kids and we bought a house and lived that life.

I traveled a bit and in one of the trips I met a man in the lobby, he suggested a drink, and I sucked him 'passionately' and I let him get on me and have sex. No condom, nothing. Just raw sex with a man I had no idea who he was. I spent a long time worried that I could have caught something, but after six months and several checks at the anonymous college clinic I finally convinced myself I missed the bullet. Also an unforgettable experience. I masturbate to it a lot.

My wife has a group of friends, all women, who all went to the same high school and they organize a get together every year. We went and I found myself drinking with the husband of one of the women and he kissed me. His lips were got and sweet and I gave in immediately. It wasn't too much later that I was sucking him in the bathroom. I bent over the sink to let him fuck me. I've met up with him many times since then, at out of the way hotels and I describe it as him making love to me. I would describe me feelings as having a crush on him, but it is sexual, I can't wait to see him and get on with sex.

There was a time I dismissed being a homosexual, but I know now that I am, always have been. I won't destroy my family, my kids, or put my wife in the terrible position of a divorce because I come out as gay. My lover is also in the closet and has no intentions of coming out, he's a high school coach so you can guess what that would do to his career.

In spite of my obvious female role when I have sex with men, always had that role, I am quite masculine around women and in my house. I have no effeminate traits until I'm naked with a man and want him to make love to me. I am very much the sexually receiving partner.

You can call this a confession, or just a need to express something to a cloud. I would rather kiss with my lover than my wife and that should sum it up.