I Am Hurting, Ignored And Unwanted, And Alone

I started getting urges. They became more and more intense and my mind couldn't leave them alone. My life with my wife became more and more difficult and she offered divorce as a solution. These urges became so strong that at one social outing while out of town I met a man and I acted on these urges. The encounter, I'll call it that, was sexual, aggressively sexual and I found out that in a test of dominance I failed.

These urges come on without warning. I can't resist them and I find men for my sexual outlet. I find these men on the internet. Meeting in motels and other places. Sex, it's just sex I tell myself, then why do I want it so bad. I met a man, a man who had been a career naval officer, it took me a second to realize that with that man there would be no contest on who was dominant. He took away any illusions that I may have had. I found out what homosexual sex was, when you don't hold any cards. I can't let go of it, I can't stop from thinking about it, I reach out to him but he ignores me.

I haven't tried to find anyone else since that night, I am depressed and sullen. I tell myself it is sex, just sex, isn't it? But it's not. My gay sex email won't ping, there is only silence. The internet is there, but it no longer interests me. I feel alone. I wish that I hadn't divorced my wife.