I Don't Want This Lifestyle Anymore. May God Help Me

I'm currently 18 years old, but I've been addicted to porn since I was 10: That ruined my potential.

I don't really know where or how to start. I'm just trying to express this somewhere, because none of my friends and family could fully understand what I'm going through, all the things I've done, and most importantly, what I want to change.

I have been a porn addict since I was 10 years old. Day after day, I would masturbate up to 4 or 5 times. I remember one night that I didn't sleep because I spent 8 hours of darkness watching porn and masturbating until I was exhausted and almost passed out. I would wake up at 6am to attend school, chat with my classmates, but couldn't stop seeing my female classmates as porn actresses, lewd material, and objects designed for sexual gratification.

It wasn't until about 4 years ago that I decided to change my life and leave masturbation with porn... but it has been a failure. I see so many other people achieve their goals, but every time I fail, or every time I feel empty, I fall back into this addiction that has killed so many passions from heaven.

I had gone completely depraved, sharing photos of my girly friends on twitter with strangers so they would masturbate thinking about them, or making fake images of them with the bodies of other actresses being fucked. I don't want that anymore, I don't want to continue living like this.

I have done more harm to the world than good, I have hurt so many people directly and indirectly because of this hopeless and perverted addiction.

I liked the piano, the guitar, basketball, drawing, composing, reading, writing, running, exercising, speaking, understanding and listening... but everything is lost because my addiction crosses my soul like a coagulation in the arteries, as if fill my emptiness in exchange for a sudden and unfortunate death, I feel my soul faint and fall.

Since last year my only refuge has been God, who has rescued me so many times from emptiness and death. I have failed him to this day, but I don't want to give up like this, I don't want to die without first having repaired what I've broken. For now, committing suicide is not a viable option.

May God guide me correctly and protect me from all temptation.

To everyone reading this, may you be a better person than me. They will say that I have a lot to live for, but no one thinks about the perverse upbringing that I have put myself into. God save my parents, because they have imposed no evil on me.

I'm so sorry, really. Currently I just entered the university to study medicine. I have found new friends, healthy and honest people, I don't want to disappoint them. I will work hard to repair myself and forgive myself.

I must thank God for all the opportunities that he has brought into my life, and for all that will come in the future.