I'm In A Trap And I Cannot Leave

My father was never in my life. I knew who he was and all but I never had anything to do with him, different states, he has another family, my mother didn't want anything to do with him, we grew up poor, his other family is well to do. Lots to be upset about, but for what? He never wanted anything to do with my mother or me.

Now I'm an adult. I went to work with a company at 22, got involved with a man and now seven years later I'm still involved. He is bossy, sometimes he uses phrases like 'when you grow up you will understand'. I can't leave him, I can't live with him, I can't you name it. My mother doesn't give me any hope of ever leaving him, If it was her instead of me she wouldn't leave him. Too much security, money, too much of everything. 'You met your match now live with it'.

I can't refuse him sex. I can't refuse to do things for him. I can't, I can't, I can't. No will? No self respect? My mother says it's because I never had a father, so now I have a man that brings order in my life and I have no choice in it. Once the trap door shut on me, I'm his for as long he wants to keep me. So be nice, and don't argue with him, you do not want to be on the streets. Like two pieces in a puzzle, he fits perfectly for me and I fit perfectly for him. It's just that I have to learn that men are men and I need to be the one to adapt. I adapt. Not him.

I was 'free' now I'm not. When he looks at me I can see it in his eyes. He is isn't looking. he is absorbing me with his eyes. And my eyes tell everyone that I follow him. I'm 29 now and I feel like I have never been free. Once owned by a man who never showed and now owned by a man who won't let me go.