My Believe Autism Destroyed My Life

I am autistic and have difficulties and struggles.
Difficulties with socializing, eye contact, physical contact, understanding literary whatever i hear, and more.

As you can guess sexual experiences are more difficult and i don't have much experience.

I read stories here and i fill with jealousy because i would really wanted to be them and have sex with multiple people without any difficulty. They don't know how lucky they are for experience so much pleasure so easily. I even jealous of girls who get rubbed by random men in public. I bet it is wonderful. I know because i had done it to a man in public inside of a bus once. It was embarrassing and good at the same time.

I end up masturbating imagine myself in stories I read here and different scenarios i know would never have.

Stimulation it's important for me so i don't see what's appropriate or not. I masturbate to whatever feels good to me.

Once when i was 24 in a cafeteria i was so horny i imagined myself giving a blowjob to an old man around 60 that was sitting at a table close to me.
Another time when i was 19 i saw an old man with gray hair playing his cock in front of me and my friends. I really enjoyed it, it was my first time, i couldn't take my eyes of him and his cock. I even felt my pussy a little wet. Apparently i was the only one who enjoyed the view. I really really hope someday will happen again. This was my biggest desire when i was a teenager.

Also I have curiosity how blowjobs are to little boys. I never did anything but my curiosity is still here.
Giving pleasure to someone so innocent it's something that turns me on.

Sometimes i am desperate to have sex with multiple men and boys but my social fear stops me. I know i couldn't.

Due to my difficulty of taking everything literally i believed all girls i knew were innocent and good and i thought i was the only pervert. I told some of my fantasies to my girl friends some years before and they felt disgusted.
If i am not pervert, i know i am a girl that turns on with things "she shouldn't" and even i feel ashamed deep down i really like it.

In real life i'm innocent (i think) my 2 friends knows my desires and don't call me innocent lol. In my fantasy i am a complete slut. Having lot's of sex as a child until the age i am now.

Sometimes i have difficulty to understand if i really want to experience my fantasies.
My body is desperate but my mind not. Even if i fantasize sexual scenarios my mind is struggling. I can't understand.

All this time i write my pussy getting wet because i already told my body is desperate.
I will imagine myself again in sexual fantasies and masturbate a lot.

And as i was saying i believe my autism gets in a way for me to live in real life my sexual fantasies and desires no matter how "inappropriate" or pervert they are.