My Memories In Childhood

What i am going to share i already confessed it here 2 years earlier but i will again.

I had shared them in others sites as well. I don't know why. I wanted to see people's reactions.

I don't know if these memories can considering experiences because i don't know if they're true because i don't have any proof.

Also i know my English are poor but it's not my native language and i'm trying to be understandable.

When i was 23 i was on therapy and i told my therapist my weird embarrassment and fear for sex. He asked me questions and then he asked me directly if anyone in my family had ever touched me inappropriately. That moment, honestly out of nowhere 2 memories popped to my mind. I don't know if they were buried memories or false misunderstood memories.

The first was me really young, i suppose 5-6 year old. I was in the bathroom with my father, he was naked and saw his penis and even touched it.
Honestly i remember my right hand (i supposed my right hand because i am right handed) touched his penis back and forth a few times. Innocent me back then was exciting because it seemed to me really interesting.

This memory probably actually happened because when i was 13 my girl friend and i were talking about cocks. She had a boyfriend and described me how a cock looked like but i already knew, i even knew how a cock is like when you play it back and forth and it's texture. I didn't have an explanation how i knew because i didn't even kissed a boy back then and I was completely modest around sex in an obsessive way. I told her i knew it from some porn i was watching.

The second was me again with my father in the bathroom. I believe i might was 7-8 year old. That time i was the one who was naked. I believe i wanted help to wipe myself after pee. And my father helped me. I have a picture in my mind where he was touching and rubbing my little bare vagina. The sensation was amazing and kept telling him to do it again. Another picture i have in my mind is my mother yelling to my father after we both came out of the bathroom. The reason was because he was alone with me in the bathroom. I never understood why she yelled at him. I don't know how many times that happened.

Another memory i have that i know it's true but still don't have any proof is that as a child since 5 (maybe even earlier because i remember a teacher caughted me masturbating in kindergarten) i was masturbating a lot. My parents didn't like it and when they caughted me masturbating they yelled at me. My father used to hit me with a belt when he was caughting me. And unfortunately they caughted me lot's of times. My sister caughted me too sometimes and laughed at me. They told me i did something bad and I thought i was the only one in the whole planet that doing it. I was guilty but couldn't stop because pleasuring myself felt so good.

I admit I wasn't careful to where i was pleasuring myself. I had done it to every room of the house. Sometimes i did it near to my parents when they were sleeping. But as time went by i became more careful. After the age of 9-10 they never caughted me.

Now my parents told me they don't remember anything about it. Anything of what i mentioned so far.
That makes me confused. Am i imagine things? Did i misunderstood my father? Are these memories were actually dreams i had and not real experiences? I don't know.

If these memories actually happened i don't know to say how they had an impact on me. Maybe my embarrassment and fear of sex and some fantasies that turns me on while they "shouldn't" and my view on sex shaped by these experiences.

When i remember these memories at first i feel huge embarrassment and wonder how i didn't understand what it was happening. I remember i was laughing and felt good kept saying to him to do it again.
Second i wonder why he didn't do anything further. What stopped him? I was right there completely naked in front of him. He could continue and fingering me and lick my little vagina. He could teach me how to please a man and make me feel that my childish body is desirable.
Sometimes i really wish my farther was pervert enough to do this to me. My mother was working a lot back then and i could keep a secret anyway. Feeling good down there would be the only thing i would care.

I know these aren't appropriate thoughts but i still have them. Sometimes i feel pervert for having them but despite my embarrassment and my effort to look modest on the outside i really enjoy being pervert.

Compared my family members i know i'm the youngest and still biggest pervert. The only one without a partner between my sister and cousins and with few sexual experiences and more psychological difficulties but still the biggest pervert.
I can turn on with things my parents, sister, cousins and other family members would shocked or disgusted and that thought alone makes me feel embarrassed and wonderful at the same time.

I know this confession was long but thank you for reading.