Uncomfortable

This confession was posted some days ago by me as an anonymous.
The only reason I posted it again its because I want to have this confession on my account and have easy access to it.

This isn't going to be something inappropriate. Just my experience.

When i was a child i was comfortable with people touching me. I mean hugs etc at least the people i knew. I was comfortable wearing any clothes i want and being naked in front of the mirror just so i could see how my body looked like. I was masturbating a lot without shame. And I was feminine girl until the age of 11.

Later a complete change happened i became a tomboy and it was really uncomfortable to masturbate. I was afraid and ashamed to look feminine. Suddenly i didn't want anyone to touch me and became more and more introvert.
Things got worse when puberty hits. My breasts started developing and i didn't like it, i was trying to hide them.

I had big fear that if my breasts weren't completely hiden that men were going to touch them and then r**e me. I was afraid and ashamed that my body was sexualised by men, even my own father.
I was uncomfortable near him as well because he is a man.

Sure i had sexual desires and fantasies. I was turning on easily. But i felt pervert and a slut for having them. After every masturbation i usually was crying because i thought i did something bad. But i couldn't or didn't want to stop because it felt good.

Other girls were comfortable with their bodies. They had sex (as teenagers) they had boyfriends, they wearing revealed clothes and then was me completely uncomfortable around boys and men.
My girl friends back then were comfortable and my bestie back then even had sex at the age of 14. Sometimes when she had sex in her boyfriend's room i was waiting outside and sometimes i could hear her breathing heavily. It was uncomfortable and nice at the same time.

I realise now that i had contradictory behaviour. Even though it was very important for me to look modest girl to others, my friends told me i was talking about sex a lot without realising it.
Even though i was ashamed i really really wanted a man to show me his penis and masturbate in front of me in public. I wanted to see people having sex in public (anyone) by mistake and sit there watching them.
I wanted to be groped in public. Maybe i wanted because i would enjoy it and not having an active act on it, without anyone to blame me for being a slut.
I even was jealous some girls or boys for experienced something like this. Even i was ashamed i liked to read sexual stories about i****t because my sexual stimulation was stronger than usual with stories like this.

This uncomfortableness and shameness around sex and men destroyed my life and i don't know why. And even i had sex for the first time at 23 and second time on January i know i can't have sex without being drunk.

Even the victims of sexual abuse maybe don't have this behaviour.
At the age of 14 i learnt that i might be autistic because i was in general social awkward and has obsessions but autism doesn't explain this weird shameness.

I thought maybe i was sexually abused in some way without realising it when i was a kid. Maybe a light sexual abuse, like seeing an adult s private parts and touch it, or seeing sexual acts of adults in pictures, or someone touching me a few times on my private parts without remember it.
I insist to say my behaviour was weird because i wasn't raised by religious parents.

I still am introvert and awkward around sex but not so much like i used to.
For years i satisfied my sexual urges with masturbation so it's not so uncomfortable now like it was in the past.
But i still feel too uncomfortable to be feminine around men. Even my father and any other male in my family.

I wonder how much different my life would be if i wasn't too awkward and was more feminine. I feel l lost so many opportunities in everything.