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Women Only
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Straight Female / 34
Finding The Right Man
My problem as my aunt Harriet tells me, is I want perfection. she summarizes it something like this "You want that man who is everything, an athlete, handsome, tall, masculine, a hard worker who makes lots and lots of money, a great lover, who treats you like a queen, who is sensitive and nice and doesn't tell you what to do." In other words, the invisible man, the man that does not exist.
I met that man, it was at work, I was a young entry level recent graduate, he was an older man who seemed to be able to do anything every time. He showed me, taught me, encouraged me, he made me the professional I am today. It took me six years, from 22 to 28 to realize that he was the man I was in love with. Not my dates, not the gym enthusiast next door who is six foot two (I'm five ten so I have a deep insecurity with shorter men).
He had a way of putting his hand on my shoulder which brought out my feminine side. I could not stop myself, I tried, but failed every time. When he put his arm around my shoulder I laid my head on his and turned into him with my arms around his waist. Did I want to be kissed, YES. To be kissed and held. I got a kiss on my forehead.
Being around him did things to me that I swore I would never do. I hated the way the office cleaning staff cleaned his office. I kept Windex and gloves and a small vacuum in my office and I went in early and I cleaned his office. I know he likes his coffee a little strong. I made his coffee before anyone else messed up the pot. I brought to work a cup and saucer, to serve him his coffee in the morning. I sat beside him at his desk while he had his morning coffee and listened to his stories, tales of greater things. Yes, if I could have slipped off the chair to sit on the floor beside him, with my head in his lap listening to the wisdom of the ages, I would have done that. But work decorum stood in the way.
One day he asked me if I wanted to be a woman, I guess I was around 25. If you want to be a woman, then you will long to have children. Simple as that. By the time I was 28 I longed to have children, to have his children. By then I had made up my mind, I didn't just want his arm around my shoulder, I wanted my legs around him. I wanted to get pregnant, I wanted to have a baby. Every pregnancy at work, seeing a pregnant woman at the mall. I wanted to be pregnant more than anything in the world. But of course, his pregnant woman. Believe me, by then I was 'his woman', his 'office wife'.
I was introduced to a 36 year old man, tall of course, single of course, made lots of money, of course, handsome of course. But the day he touched me, I might as well have been visited by the Devil. I shook inside, I rejected him immediately. The feelings of invasion were so strong that I went to my 'father's' house and spent all night talking to his wife ( yes by then I understood I had substituted him for my absent father). It was that night that I verbalized to her that I was in love. I told her about my desires to get pregnant. I told her every little thing. She listened and once in a while would pat my hand and tell me she understood, remember that she was in love with him too. But getting pregnant was a big step, and I had to really think about that. Another life is a lifetime responsibility. Was I sure?
"If you're sure then don't let your eggs go to waste". Literally that's what she told me. I spent the night at their house, not my first time.
I fixed his coffee for him, and served him at the table. I went out and got the paper for him, and sat with him as he leafed through the pages. I listened to his observations. When he was done with the paper, I told him I was in love with him and I wanted to have a baby. He didn't say anything to me, he just looked at me. I got the hint and went to fix him an omelet. I set the table for him, got some juice out of the refrigerator, I was very familiar with their kitchen, obviously. I sat down beside him while he ate his breakfast. I waited and waited for him to tell me he loved me. (not in the way he told me all the time, in the way that said I love you and I want you to have a baby).
I had to wait for the pandemic, when the world was coming to an end, before he 'took' me and planted his seed inside of me and I got my baby. He crossed the Rubicon with me, and I had to understand. It wasn't ever going to be like it was before. I had to grow up, another life makes you do that.
I met that man, it was at work, I was a young entry level recent graduate, he was an older man who seemed to be able to do anything every time. He showed me, taught me, encouraged me, he made me the professional I am today. It took me six years, from 22 to 28 to realize that he was the man I was in love with. Not my dates, not the gym enthusiast next door who is six foot two (I'm five ten so I have a deep insecurity with shorter men).
He had a way of putting his hand on my shoulder which brought out my feminine side. I could not stop myself, I tried, but failed every time. When he put his arm around my shoulder I laid my head on his and turned into him with my arms around his waist. Did I want to be kissed, YES. To be kissed and held. I got a kiss on my forehead.
Being around him did things to me that I swore I would never do. I hated the way the office cleaning staff cleaned his office. I kept Windex and gloves and a small vacuum in my office and I went in early and I cleaned his office. I know he likes his coffee a little strong. I made his coffee before anyone else messed up the pot. I brought to work a cup and saucer, to serve him his coffee in the morning. I sat beside him at his desk while he had his morning coffee and listened to his stories, tales of greater things. Yes, if I could have slipped off the chair to sit on the floor beside him, with my head in his lap listening to the wisdom of the ages, I would have done that. But work decorum stood in the way.
One day he asked me if I wanted to be a woman, I guess I was around 25. If you want to be a woman, then you will long to have children. Simple as that. By the time I was 28 I longed to have children, to have his children. By then I had made up my mind, I didn't just want his arm around my shoulder, I wanted my legs around him. I wanted to get pregnant, I wanted to have a baby. Every pregnancy at work, seeing a pregnant woman at the mall. I wanted to be pregnant more than anything in the world. But of course, his pregnant woman. Believe me, by then I was 'his woman', his 'office wife'.
I was introduced to a 36 year old man, tall of course, single of course, made lots of money, of course, handsome of course. But the day he touched me, I might as well have been visited by the Devil. I shook inside, I rejected him immediately. The feelings of invasion were so strong that I went to my 'father's' house and spent all night talking to his wife ( yes by then I understood I had substituted him for my absent father). It was that night that I verbalized to her that I was in love. I told her about my desires to get pregnant. I told her every little thing. She listened and once in a while would pat my hand and tell me she understood, remember that she was in love with him too. But getting pregnant was a big step, and I had to really think about that. Another life is a lifetime responsibility. Was I sure?
"If you're sure then don't let your eggs go to waste". Literally that's what she told me. I spent the night at their house, not my first time.
I fixed his coffee for him, and served him at the table. I went out and got the paper for him, and sat with him as he leafed through the pages. I listened to his observations. When he was done with the paper, I told him I was in love with him and I wanted to have a baby. He didn't say anything to me, he just looked at me. I got the hint and went to fix him an omelet. I set the table for him, got some juice out of the refrigerator, I was very familiar with their kitchen, obviously. I sat down beside him while he ate his breakfast. I waited and waited for him to tell me he loved me. (not in the way he told me all the time, in the way that said I love you and I want you to have a baby).
I had to wait for the pandemic, when the world was coming to an end, before he 'took' me and planted his seed inside of me and I got my baby. He crossed the Rubicon with me, and I had to understand. It wasn't ever going to be like it was before. I had to grow up, another life makes you do that.
