New Years Of 2001

Was celebrating New Years eve with my son and his girlfriend, and cracking open something stronger than beer or bubbly for the occasion even if they weren't quite old enough for it yet. Started off in good sense, when the apple dropped they celebrated with their first kiss of the year and I joked about where's mine, and she actually gave me a quick peck. I didn't think much of it then, but as I drank more into the night, it set things wrong, I wanted what my own son was having.

So when they got carried away making out on the couch, I couldn't help but nudge em further. Before long it wasn't just nudging, but feeling her up and daring my son to be bolder. She didn't appreciate it, I could tell that much, but at the time I didn't care and none of us really had much mind for else, so I just kept pushing. So when she started to suck him off, I wanted that too, not some half assed attempt, until she eventually just gave up and gave in. All my son cared about was getting to have sex, and I just fed the worst of that, and when they were done, I went in for my fill. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but another part of me just wanted more.

After sobering up it struck me how messed up it was. She certainly wasn't happy with me, and after waking up neither did my son. That is fair, I deserved that feeling but my son didn't deserve to have his relationship ruined bc of that, because of me and because of liquor. So when I drove her back to her house I tried so hard to apologize, but she just sat there wanting nothing to do with it, that same look the night before. I don't have a good relationship now with my son, which is understandable. I have spent decades trying to repent, to be better, but deep down I know nothing I do will ever make things right.