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Anything Goes
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People look at my artwork (I'm a graphic designer) and think that I'm a really creative person with a great imagination, but they don't know what a curse it is.
To make a long story short, I had a shitty childhood (physically and emotionally abusive father abandoned us so we were very poor, I was severly allergic and asthmatic, have a mentally ill sibling, and was molested by uncle's brother-in-law. My mother was in over her head so I tried to handle my problems on my own by escaping them. I had hiding places in the basemente and in the woods. I ran away from home alot. I also basically got in the habit at an early age of living in fantasy worlds. The one indulgence I had as a kid was that I was allowed to draw or paint on the walls of any room inside my grandmother's house. If you chipped at the paint, in some spots, it goes 10 or 12 layers deep.
When I moved out at 18, I should have done better, but I can't seem to live in the real world. I read/watch only science fiction and fastasy. I keep extensive journals using several different personalities (medieval princess, harem slave, pirate's daughter, interplanetary space smuggler, etc.) I devote at least 12 hours a day to sleeping because I'm only truly happy when I am dreaming. I try to use alcohol and herbal remedies to keep myself in a hazy state because I have a tendency to get manic and then violent if I'm not sedated. Most days I am barely functioning. If I can't handle things, I fake an asthma attack and stay home from work watching scifi DVDs and reading fantasy novels. I have only a few friends and we are all sort of living a similar lifestyle of being obsessed with things that aren't real.
Yet I'm aware that I have the ingredients for a happy REAL life --a decent job, a nice home, and a loving husband. My husband isn't the prince charming I thought I would find, but he is really sweet and tolerates my erattic behavior. I never would have finished college if it hadn't been for him. But I can't orgasm unless I fantasize about being someone else. And I can't seem to give him the one thing he really wants a baby because I am afraid that I would do something weird with it to act out one of my fantasies. I know that I need help, but I am very afraid of mental hopsitals because of what I witnessed when I was growing up. My brother was raped at age 13 by another patient while the guards watched.
What can I do? I try to go cold turkey to wean myself off fantasy, but then I get very manic and evil with people. Once I went three weeks without any fantasy and at the end of it I called my boss a cunt and almost got fired. Then, I went home and basically went into a coma-like state for 17 hours. I could hear, feel, and see my husband, but it was like I could see thru him and I didn't really care because I was doing all these great things in my mind.
To make a long story short, I had a shitty childhood (physically and emotionally abusive father abandoned us so we were very poor, I was severly allergic and asthmatic, have a mentally ill sibling, and was molested by uncle's brother-in-law. My mother was in over her head so I tried to handle my problems on my own by escaping them. I had hiding places in the basemente and in the woods. I ran away from home alot. I also basically got in the habit at an early age of living in fantasy worlds. The one indulgence I had as a kid was that I was allowed to draw or paint on the walls of any room inside my grandmother's house. If you chipped at the paint, in some spots, it goes 10 or 12 layers deep.
When I moved out at 18, I should have done better, but I can't seem to live in the real world. I read/watch only science fiction and fastasy. I keep extensive journals using several different personalities (medieval princess, harem slave, pirate's daughter, interplanetary space smuggler, etc.) I devote at least 12 hours a day to sleeping because I'm only truly happy when I am dreaming. I try to use alcohol and herbal remedies to keep myself in a hazy state because I have a tendency to get manic and then violent if I'm not sedated. Most days I am barely functioning. If I can't handle things, I fake an asthma attack and stay home from work watching scifi DVDs and reading fantasy novels. I have only a few friends and we are all sort of living a similar lifestyle of being obsessed with things that aren't real.
Yet I'm aware that I have the ingredients for a happy REAL life --a decent job, a nice home, and a loving husband. My husband isn't the prince charming I thought I would find, but he is really sweet and tolerates my erattic behavior. I never would have finished college if it hadn't been for him. But I can't orgasm unless I fantasize about being someone else. And I can't seem to give him the one thing he really wants a baby because I am afraid that I would do something weird with it to act out one of my fantasies. I know that I need help, but I am very afraid of mental hopsitals because of what I witnessed when I was growing up. My brother was raped at age 13 by another patient while the guards watched.
What can I do? I try to go cold turkey to wean myself off fantasy, but then I get very manic and evil with people. Once I went three weeks without any fantasy and at the end of it I called my boss a cunt and almost got fired. Then, I went home and basically went into a coma-like state for 17 hours. I could hear, feel, and see my husband, but it was like I could see thru him and I didn't really care because I was doing all these great things in my mind.
