I Am A Recovering Sex Addict

As an adult I am now aware that I grew up in a dysfunctional home. Our father was a truck driver and was injured in an accident before I was ten. He got work in the office, but he became an alcoholic. He also had an affair with a woman in the office and she had a child. My mother didn't leave him for whatever reason, probably the money. So our day to day life was a mother who dumped on us, and a father with his lover. The only contact we had with our father was when he yelled at us.

I met this guy online. Never saw him in person. I started to open up to him about my home and he responded. Little by little I was telling him everything. He was so understanding. I sent him pictures of us, me and my sisters. He wanted intimate pictures and I sent him a couple. He sent me a picture of his erection, or what he said was his erection, and what he wanted to do with me. I went to bed at night thinking of what he was going to do with me. He was very explicit.

After I finished my college I got a job working for a car dealership in the office. The owner was a man who was overbearing and macho and everything. He treated the women there like he owned them. He took me from behind and wouldn't release me. I felt his breath on me, his arms which held me in a vice and he 'humped' me before releasing me. The lady who was the office manager told me if I stayed he was going to go through with his promise. It was my first 'sexual' contact. In my midnight dreams I put together the descriptions of my online boyfriend and his erect penis and the man who had just abused me. I had my first orgasm. I didn't have anyone to share it with, I would have to tell them about my online boyfriend and my boss at the dealership.

I got a part time job through an agency relieving this woman who was out on maternity. The boss was a man much like the man at the dealership. If you worked for him he owned you, he had 'rights' to you. He was aggressive, dominant, overbearing, you name it. After he had sex with me I felt like he didn't like me. It was nothing like my midnight dreams. He was 'old', and 'fat' and he hadn't shaved, and his breath smelled horrible. And he was on top of me, and he was pounding me, tearing my insides out, and then he inseminated me. I lay on that bed looking at him, now he owned me.

I became his office favorite, his girl Friday, the one he grabbed and pulled into his lap in the office, the one that he felt up, the one that got the pats on the rear. Nothing phased me, he could touch me, fuck me, and I sat on his lap afterwards. I had cut off any online activity with that 'boyfriend', I had forgotten about the man from the dealership. I was now in my first adult sexual relationship. And more wasn't enough. My father's girlfriend, and I realized I was his girlfriend, just like my father had. A married man with a family and a girlfriend at the office.

It took a long, long time for me to find a balance between sex and the rest of my life. A very long time. I am still in withdrawal. Like all consumptive addictions, you never really stop being a sex addict. You are always in remission. I miss it, I need it, I want it.