Straight Female / 34
In The Blink Of An Eye My Defenses Were Breached By A Stranger
I was good with languages and that's what I studied in college. After college I went to work for an agency with my language skills and was posted abroad as a translator. Being in that position I heard things that I was sworn to keep secret.
At times I was conflicted, and I was taken off the front line and did translations. But I had that g*ft of simultaneous translations and I was put back on the line. The job itself was stressful, don't screw up, you can't correct yourself. I was all of 28 and I looked a lot older. I asked to be discharged and went through debriefing. I understood then, and I understand now that I have to separate myself from my job and my feelings. Easy to say, but at night sometimes, when I'm alone I relive my experiences.
I went back to school after my discharge and I work with a multinational. Again my language skills have put me in the hot seat. My training is what they are looking at, can I be there and say nothing. I'm thirty four and single. Other than my early years in college I have remained apart from forming any meaningful relationship.
I messed up a few months ago. I was on a trip with some of the Brass and a foreign man got the better of me and all that pent up energy came out and it was unbecoming, nothing was sacred. I try to sleep now and all I can think of is that night, with that man and the things that I did, and he did to me. I don't mistake what role I played in it, or losing all control to him. It is the very thing that I was trained to avoid. I don't have a sensitive government job anymore, but I'm glad I never succumbed during that time and exposed myself like that. But the worry remains, as I have all those sensitive conversations that if breached can be a serious deficiency.
For now it's embarrassing, not so much what I did or allowed to happen. Embarrassing that I was unable to head it off and he breached my defenses.
At times I was conflicted, and I was taken off the front line and did translations. But I had that g*ft of simultaneous translations and I was put back on the line. The job itself was stressful, don't screw up, you can't correct yourself. I was all of 28 and I looked a lot older. I asked to be discharged and went through debriefing. I understood then, and I understand now that I have to separate myself from my job and my feelings. Easy to say, but at night sometimes, when I'm alone I relive my experiences.
I went back to school after my discharge and I work with a multinational. Again my language skills have put me in the hot seat. My training is what they are looking at, can I be there and say nothing. I'm thirty four and single. Other than my early years in college I have remained apart from forming any meaningful relationship.
I messed up a few months ago. I was on a trip with some of the Brass and a foreign man got the better of me and all that pent up energy came out and it was unbecoming, nothing was sacred. I try to sleep now and all I can think of is that night, with that man and the things that I did, and he did to me. I don't mistake what role I played in it, or losing all control to him. It is the very thing that I was trained to avoid. I don't have a sensitive government job anymore, but I'm glad I never succumbed during that time and exposed myself like that. But the worry remains, as I have all those sensitive conversations that if breached can be a serious deficiency.
For now it's embarrassing, not so much what I did or allowed to happen. Embarrassing that I was unable to head it off and he breached my defenses.
