Caught Between The Rock And The Hard Place I Can't Do Without Either

I am the product of a conservative religious family. Of my mother's four sisters, each one had no less than five kids each. With 27 grandkids one of us had to be different. That's me. My mother had only girls, I'm in between. From my youngest I exhibited tomboyish behavior and had obsessive friendships. No one dare to call them a crush. I did force eat one of my obsessions when we were in the seventh grade. I ate her a lot kissed her a lot. She was my first long term girlfriend, we are still very close. It's not that people didn't notice, it's more that people didn't talk about those things. We were going to outgrow it once we met the right guy.

College separation came at the worst time for me. I cried and cried and cried. We spent a lot of time on the phone, but she was far away from me, and we couldn't realistically be close. She told me that she had met this girl and they were 'dating' and I went into a deep depression. My grades went down, and I had to leave college. Back home I was working, still very depressed, and a guy took advantage of me and got me pregnant. Now my nightmare really began. I had to get married, and I had a baby and a house and my husband had expectations for me to be like my sisters, all housewives and pregnant. With each pregnancy, dealing with a growing belly and my tits were worn out from breastfeeding, I had four kids in five years. A fifth a few years later. I was a housewife just like my sisters.

When my teen girlfriend showed up unexpectedly. Her life was a mess, a series of bad relationships, we were thirty five. She came back into my life in the middle of raising five kids. The feelings for her welled up from inside of me, I was back in my crush. All I wanted to do was to hold her, kiss her and I force ate her again. Not that she didn't respond. But married with five kids I was trapped and she was fancy free, no husband and kids to raise. Everyone around us knew from the moment we saw each other again. The only one who was out in left field was my husband. He didn't know anything about her or about our teenage love affair. It really floored him to find out that I was and had always been in love with her. A big mistake in telling him.

At first everything was civil. Then it became legal. He wanted a divorce and all the children. He would find another wife to take care of them. Women from all over the world would jump at the opportunity. I did what women have done for all of the history of mankind. I got pregnant again. The only way to keep a man, keep him tied down with more children. And if he continued to insist on a divorce, I told him I would keep on having children until I was wore out. He backed off of all of his ridiculous demands and became civil again, meaning that he didn't bring it up every time I saw my girlfriend. He never left my bed and never stopped having sex with me. Men don't like losing to the competition.

I guess I wear the pants when I have sex with my girlfriend. I suppose I always did. She's integrated into my family now. We have our own set of rules, no sex in front of him, but that doesn't mean that spontaneous affections don't happen all the time. She's my long lost cousin, sort of, and she is living with us to have a roof over head. My sisters aren't fooled, no way. But the world outside can have whatever opinion makes them happy. I frankly don't care. My husband has his rules and the housewife rule is number one. When he comes home, he is the man of the house and that means a blowjob and dinner. I want another baby, but I'm 39 and six is a bunch. It's up to him now, I'm open for the season. I refuse to use any form of birth control, or let him close to me if he wants to play coitus interruptus.