Straight Female / 31
I Am Married My Father Figure
At 22 and still tied to my mother's apron I experienced sex at the hands of a much older experienced man. It wasn't pleasant, or exciting, or wonderous. It was brutal, painful, frightening. I suffered in silence. He had established his dominance over me and I fell in line and permitted him. I wasn't interested in his sexual desires. I didn't help. I was totally limp when he had sex with me and that angered him.
I got married the same month of my 23rd birthday. It was the only way I could reconcile that he had sex with me. It was a small wedding, family and close friends, but not huge like my sister's. I wore the same wedding gown she did, we had a reception at the country club. We had photographers. The wedding night was at the Hyatt bridal suite. There wasn't any mystery. I lay there like a limp biscuit until he was finished. Marriage to me was all about fitting in with the other women in my family. I never had dreams or desires of being some professional woman. I wanted children and a nice home. I had children and I have a nice home.
My husband started seeing other women sometime about the time we got married. I could tell, he came home and didn't want sex. At first I thought I should feel bad, but if that kept him off of me then what was I complaining about? It was during that time, my early and mid twenties that I went to talk to a woman who could help me with my problem. Why did I not respond sexually?
Her answer was forthright. You see your husband as your father. He is your caretaker, not your lover. That answered everything for me. Yes, I love him that way. I fell into it that way I see him that way. When he had sex with me it surprised me. When he had sex with me I resented it. I'm better now, really, at least now I openly let him have sex with me. But it is not erotic. I don't want sex with any other man, or woman. He needs to feel wanted when he has sex and I can't get there. The most I can do is allow him. And not complain when he meets up with another woman.
I got married the same month of my 23rd birthday. It was the only way I could reconcile that he had sex with me. It was a small wedding, family and close friends, but not huge like my sister's. I wore the same wedding gown she did, we had a reception at the country club. We had photographers. The wedding night was at the Hyatt bridal suite. There wasn't any mystery. I lay there like a limp biscuit until he was finished. Marriage to me was all about fitting in with the other women in my family. I never had dreams or desires of being some professional woman. I wanted children and a nice home. I had children and I have a nice home.
My husband started seeing other women sometime about the time we got married. I could tell, he came home and didn't want sex. At first I thought I should feel bad, but if that kept him off of me then what was I complaining about? It was during that time, my early and mid twenties that I went to talk to a woman who could help me with my problem. Why did I not respond sexually?
Her answer was forthright. You see your husband as your father. He is your caretaker, not your lover. That answered everything for me. Yes, I love him that way. I fell into it that way I see him that way. When he had sex with me it surprised me. When he had sex with me I resented it. I'm better now, really, at least now I openly let him have sex with me. But it is not erotic. I don't want sex with any other man, or woman. He needs to feel wanted when he has sex and I can't get there. The most I can do is allow him. And not complain when he meets up with another woman.
