I Am At The Proverbial Y In The Road. Scared And Petrified.

I am now forty and pretty sure that I am and have always been a lesbian. I'm identifying this like that. Lesbian, not straight. I am currently in a lesbian platonic relationship with a woman I went to college with. She went her way, I went my way, but we intentionally got back together. I use platonic, so my husband doesn't assume I'm active with her.

I was always the odd duck. I was the wallflower. Scared to dance. Scared to be in groups with guys. Scared to be alone in a car with a guy. Scared to talk with guys. I spent all my growing up years safely within an all female life. I am one of three sisters, so it starts there. BTW, my two sisters were boy crazy and never understood why I couldn't work up the nerve to date.

I went to college and met and had one good friend all the way through. My platonic lesbian friend. She is openly a lesbian with me and has been in more than one active lesbian relationships, but she is in love with me. P.S. I'm scared to be active with her.

Anyways, I'm minding my own business and meet this guy at the beach the summer after graduation, we are the only two in our age group, parents up above us, and little kids around us. He initiated, and I fell silent. I found myself on my back on the deck after hours under the moonlight and he didn't stop until he had managed to have sex with me. Sorry, oops, and all, I got pregnant and got married. He has been a great husband and we have three children.

Now, I'm forty, my sex drive for my husband has always been near zero, he has to really work at it, or impose sex on me. But since my friend has returned into my life I have feelings for her, like wanting to kiss with her. We were out by the pool in bathing suits, sorry we are not bikini ready, and she was beside me and started talking about all the ways she wanted to make love to me. She sat up and told me she was ready, ready for me to be ready. Platonic for her sucks. She wants me in her hands.

I'm scared. It's my personality to be scared of things like that. Petrified is a better word. I know that my husband would not find it strange at all, he figured out that my friend is a lesbian a very long time ago. He hasn't explicitly given me permission, but he has told me several times he is not worried, he thinks our relationship is necessary for me. He encourages us to be together and be 'sisters'. My friend does not have kids, for obvious reasons.

I had a dream a while back, it was very vivid. I walked up to a precipice, below me was a fall without bottom. I felt I had to jump, but I woke up in a sweat and heart palpitating. My husband told me that those dreams have been written about, falling into the abyss. My friend says I dreamt of taking the jump with her. I think her explanation is more like it.