For A While I Put My Lesbian Feelings In A Box And Surrendered To Him

I am now 36 in a stable lesbian relationship. However when I was 22 I was inexperienced, and guilt ridden because I had participated in a lesbian sexual encounter. My first, and only up to that point. I was raised in a very socially conservative household, of five girls and one boy.

I was at my first real job following college, where I had that encounter with a classmate. My boss, a fatherly type, kept wanting me to open up to him. Tell him what was bothering me. He could tell, but I didn't know how. One day he insisted I go to lunch with him, and he was very direct. Something is bothering you, a weight you can't carry, tell me and let me help you. So I told him about my lesbian encounter.

He was very kind and he didn't yell at me or anything close to that. It was something like these things happen when we are growing up, somethings you just have to put it in a box and move on. You do not need to go back and open the box! After lunch when we were walking to the car he put his arm around me and I fell into his arms crying. He held me there, in the parking lot for as long as I was crying. His arms around me, I felt so safe right then, when he kissed my eyelids and my forehead, I just hung onto him harder.

Now I had two things to be ashamed of. But unlike that girl in college, he was there everyday and he was always nice and supportive. And from time to time he pulled me into his arms to hug me. When he did I became a zombie. The more he held me the more I wanted him to never let me go. In a dream one of those nights I dreamt that I was sitting on a sofa in a big sunlit room nursing a baby. He walked in and asked me how being a new mother was treating me, and I took my baby from my breast and held her up to him. I made this baby for you.

Something told me that I was in love with him. When one hug required kisses, I turned my face to him for his lips to kiss mine. His kiss was strong and forceful, and he held me to him so tight I struggled to breathe. When he stopped kissing me I told him I loved him. Soon after he was kissing me while he held me under him and he was joining me to him. I had a series of orgasms, some light and pleasurable and one very deep and I lost consciousness when he completed his ejaculations in me. Was I in love? So deep you can't explain it. I wanted more than anything to live that dream, and make him a baby.

The baby came without fanfare, a girl like in my dream and I nursed her in his living room. When I nursed I never covered myself, both breasts exposed so he could watch his baby feeding from me. I lost all inhibitions, I asked for and received sexual advances, I lay on the bed offering myself to him. I watched his eyes as he examined my genitals, his nostrils opening smelling for me, his hands taking me by my hips and feeling his every thrust in me. I never used any form of birth control, whether artificial or otherwise, my body was his for him to inseminate me. By the time I turned 28 I had three children.

But then something happened. I met a girl in a casual get together. She is and has been a true lesbian since forever. She smelled that in me. And soon I was behaving badly, I was uncontrollable. I needed her, sexually, intimately. I flashed my genitals at her, I took her genitals in my mouth and savored her. Something dormant, in a box, had been opened, and like the proverbial Pandora's box, it could not be closed again.

He let me go, slowly. He stood with me when I got married. He is the father of my children, and when I am lonely I want him to hold me. His kisses now are fatherly. His hugs fatherly. He is the man I love, truly. But Pandora's box is open, and I can't turn away from it.