Questioning Myself

When we were in the tenth grade, my best friend and I, she experienced a gang r**e and she swore me to secrecy. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, by accident. It was like a pack of wolves on her, until they all got their piece of her. She came to my house, and I hid her in my room. We should have said something, searched for help from professional sources, but we kept it to ourselves. A big dark secret. It was that night we became lovers.

She lives in a protected world, a world I drew around her. I express my love to her and she wants to be loved like that. We talk, but not often, it is a memory now, like an old movie. Unlike her, I have never experienced sex with a male, much less males.

What I don't know and why I'm writing, is that I don't think we are lesbians. Not really. We don't feel that, neither one of us. We are just comfortable being together. Her experience enables us. That's what I think. I have desires sometimes, for a man to do with me, and I surrender. If you can understand, I want something similar to how it happened to her. Not involved emotionally, a male I don't know or would ever know. I shouldn't talk like this. It just lives in my head. I never have been with a man, because we have to be together.