New Identity

Hard working Asian parents demand the world from their children. I was an only child, with high expectations. School gave me hope, my relationship with my mother was superficial, my father hardly there. I took on running, track and field was my escape from my life. My best friend’s father, our neighbor was an ex athlete, single and thriving after his divorce. After sending his daughter off to a private state school we bonded. He was the only man my mother could tolerate, and the only reason I enjoyed living at home. That’s why when I moved to college he was there and no other man, not even my boyfriend. Moving into my dorm had stressed my mother out, she berated me with the typical work hard don’t disappoint speech. I think that’s when it hit us both. We knew once the day was over my life would be different and he would be without me. What came next was a surprise, a bouquet of flowers he presented to me in front of my mother with a note he tucked away from my mother’s sight. Your daughter’s first going away present. I was flushed when embraced by his hug. Read the note when we leave he whispered. My mothers gaze confused me, I suspected jealousy. The note read: I will miss you, will you miss me? I texted him one word- yes, waited for a response. An hour later he was back with a bottle of wine, sweeping me off my feet. Let’s celebrate the right way was the only thing he said before exploring my body with his mouth. He took all of me slowly, exhausting every part of my body. We collapsed for a break then broke our thirst with wine. I had never been naked around him but that day it felt like we met naked. That’s when I realized he was huge and I was soaking wet. We laugh over our missed calls, he challenged. No calls missed no matter how inconvenient.

We continued seeing each other, month after month. My mother passed away a year later, I got my first job but my father wanted to move back home after the funeral. He was devastated, sold our home to start new. I stayed, my real home was next door. We eloped originally to see how anyone would react. Then we realized nothing was in our way, pregnancy was the next step. Things complicated more so when his daughter asked to move back in to finish school. It was a shock for her seeing us together. She had taken a huge break and travelled Europe. At one point making plans to stay but it never happened. Now she was complaining about her father’s libido and lack of privacy. She’s my wife, this is her home, respect her. He had me fully, she was to oblige.

Our relationship strengthened but I struggled to conceive. He wanted another son, but the age gap provided challenges. His daughter was to move in with her fiancé. A man whom previously had children with other woman. He came on to me when he heard about our struggle. He was a perfect fit, just as tall and handsome as my husband. I feared age would take our chances away and gave in. He was an animal, taking me when he wanted. I couldn’t resist, what would have been a few times turned into a sexual affair. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my husband but he suspected. Our love came back and we were having sex again. I got pregnant somehow, it was a shocker. An emotional ride, my husband suspected it wasn’t his. I was nervous it would be the end of my life. I was saved by mercy, it was his and I never revealed anything.

A year later my husband past away, I was devastated.