I Have No Words That Accurately Describe It,

I never had any interest in any special relationship. I was and continue to be very close to my mother. I was upset when I had to leave home to go to college, although I was in close driving distance. I studied Social Sciences and Political Science, but after a lot of pressure I changed to Accounting. I found I have an aptitude for it and graduated with Honors and got hired out of school for a large accounting firm.

It was that last week of college, when everyone is getting ready for graduation. I went with a friend to an outside BBQ and it was there that some guy got me into a bedroom and had sex with me. I used the word R for a long time, but eventually I came to terms with the fact that I never actually said no, I just let thing happen. But I did leave college not a virgin, that in some books is necessary.

It is a memory that comes back from time to time, I relive it completely, I can smell him on top of me, I can feel the sweat between us, I can smell the smell of myself while he had sex with me. If I was that sensitive to smell when it happened I don't know, but I have very definite smell memory of it. I know that smell, because when I masturbate, I can smell it.

I went to a Friday night happy hour, very much out of character for me, I met a guy at the bar that I didn't know, and I let him have his way with me. He wasn't nice, or careful, or anything. He took me outside and had sex with me in the parking lot behind the cars next to the fence and the dumpster. He left me there, stood and pulled his pants up, looking down at me. I lay there smelling hard for that smell emanating from me. It was faint out there but I know I could pick it up. I went home and masturbated until I hurt myself.

I confided in a woman at work, my only real friend there. She told me that I was looking for validation in all the wrong places. I had a R wish. She offered to loan me her boyfriend so that I could tell the difference between making love and R in a parking lot. I turned her down.

I've given you my two and only experiences. They may be R like, but I went willingly. I dream deep real dreams and relive the experiences. Each one results in different forms of masturbation. I've learned not to bathe before masturbation, the longer I go without bathing the stronger that smell is. I fill my nostrils with it, and masturbate until I'm so sore that I can't continue. When I finally surrender to bathing I regret it, the and cycle starts over again.