I don't know if this is a confession, per say, it's just something that I really need to get off my chest.

I'm six weeks pregnant, which is fantastic news. DH and I have been married for six years and while we never used birth control we were actively trying to conceive for about two years with no luck. We went to a specialist and underwent months of expensive and sometimes painful procedures...injections by the dozens, pills, vaginal inserts,sonograms...the list goes on and on. This last cycle was a nightmare...financially, emotionally and physically. We ran out of money, out of patience with each other and out of faith and strength. We decided that this would be our last try and if it didn't work this time we would accept God's will that children were not in our future...at least, as we had planned them. Then miracle of miracles, I was pregnant.

So, praise God, we are now six weeks pregnant. We have decided only to tell family (parents and siblings) for my fear of not telling anyone until after the first trimester. We had our first six week sonogram and were advised that they found what they thought were three gestational sacs and a 'bleed.' They found one heartbeat, one fetal pole with no identifiable heartbeat and one sac that appeared empty. While I was thrilled to hear the heartbeat of what they dubbed 'Baby A' I was too overcome with sadness for the two babies that looked like they weren't making it.

We had a HUGH scare this weekend when I started to bleed pretty heavily, no clots or significant cramping, but it did scare the life out of me. Monday morning we went for a sonogram and were delighted to find that Baby A still has a strong heartbeat and (shock) weak heartbeat for Baby B as well as a misshapen gestational sac. Baby C as it turns out was probably a small bleed which has now merged with the other bleed to be a bigger bleed. Wow, that's a lot of information. Let me break it down...
Baby A...still doing well. Baby B...according to the sonogram tech isn't doing well, the fact that it is "so far behind" in terms of development and the misshapen sac indicates that it likely won't make it! Also, apparently the bleed can be very dangerous to the pregnancies as well. The sonogram tech appeared very concerned; however, our RE said that it didn't look like it was going to interfere with the pregnancies. Who do you believe?

My confession is this...I am a Christian, relatively new to faith and religion and I'm trying REALLY hard to hand this over to God and not worry. If these pregnancies are ment to be He will look over them and keep them safe and help them grown and develop normally. If these pregnancies are not ment to be then God has a plan for me, He will protect me and keep me safe and comfort me. My sadness is that I am six weeks pregnant after a very long and difficult road to become so and I feel like I can't even enjoy it! I can't rejoice in my pregnancy because it could end at any minute! Every twinge or cramp or pain or trickle of blood sends me into a tailspin. I am fearful and all I really want to be faithful.