My best friend of over 25 years (we've been friends since childhood) got married to my looongtime boyfriend's best friend a few years ago. I'm not an emotional person, but she is. She's criticized me for years about my relationship with my boyfriend not being strong or loving enough (Neither of us want to get married...ever, and we're not publicly affectionate people)---she thinks that if we REALLY loved one another and were in a "good" relationship, we would be more like her and her husband. They talk baby-talk to one another, get jealous at every member of the opposite sex within a 100-yard radius, got married, have sloppy make-out sessions at restaurants and street corners, cry over one another, etc. To be honest, I think their displays are mildly nauseating, and definately NOT appealing to me, but whatever floats their boat---never invested much thought about it.
I've been with my boyfriend for 12 years....a year or two longer than them. We have mutual respect and friendship for one another. Like I said, we're not publicly affectionate with each other, but we're hot for each other in private. Since we don't have ties to one another, and we're both independednt and not "emotional" people, we COULD leave each other if we wanted, but I guess neither of us want to leave which is why we haven't...it works for us. She doesn't see it that way. She very much dislikes my BF and thinks he's the wrong guy for me. She thinks he must be a cheater or he would've "made me" marry him. She voices her opinion passionately and often, and because I'm not an emotional person, I didn't put much thought into her feelings about him, because I always thought her feelings about people were somewhat immature. No skin off my nose.
I never cared for her husband. Had he not been such a good friend of my boyfriend's or the husband of my bestfriend, I would actually say he was "repellent". I don't like his politics or his whininess or his jealousy (or his syle, his appearance, his lack of health and hygene, his chauvenism, racism...I could go on & on). But as we were all "friends", I've always been friendly toward him....maybe "tolerant" is a better word.
One day my best friend's husband called my house to speak to my BF. My BF wasn't home, and we started chit-chatting. Couldn't even tell you what we were talking about because I was mostly watching something on TV at the time. Then he started telling me about troubles in his marriage, which came as a complete shock to me (because she & I were so close, I thought she would tell me if anything were even remotely off). Then he asked me to go to dinner, and I thought he meant to talk about the troubles in the marriage---and when I told him he should talk to a therapist for advice about his marriage, and I was uncomfortable discussing something my friend hadn't broached with me first, he said: "Stop playing coy. You know what I mean. You know I mean we should meet...in secret....to FINALLY be together. You can't deny what's been going on between us for the last 10 years".
I'm not an emotional person, but that statement scared the shit out of me, because he had to be deranged and delusional to think there was ANYTHING going on between us.
I was rendered completetly speechless, and all I could think to reply was: "She's my oldest, dearest friend---I would never betray her like that. And I could never keep a secret from [my BF]"
To which he replied: "HA!!! AFTER ALL THE SECRETS HE'S BEEN KEEPING FROM YOU!!!!????"
My response: "If you have something to say, say it".
He blubbered for awhile, not saying anything that was actually words, and finally said: "Well you must KNOW in your heart he's doing SOMETHING"
I told him that if he had nothing substantive to say, I was going to hang up. I said: "If he's doing something, I'll find out. In the meantime, I'm not his mother or parole officer (not that he's ever had one), and I'm not going to chase a man around investigating his every move like I have nothing better to do."
I immediately called my BF, and he denied any wrong-doing on his part & suggested that his friend was drunk when he called. Then he told me he KNEW of some dissatifaction his friend was feeling about his marriage, and that he had already confessed to him on several occasions that he had "feelings" for me. He told me to "ignore" it like he does because "the guy's not a threat and is just depressed"
So this is what I feel bad about: I feel bad that I've never told my friend about this. I haven't spoken to either of them in almost 1 year. I actually picked up a second job to make myself "unavailable" to them. I've fallen off the planet, and last I knew, my friend still thinks her husband is this wonderfully devoted guy who worships the ground she walks on. She would be absolutetly DEVASTATED if she learned otherwise. Her husand has tried calling me many times since this all happened, but I've hung up on him as soon as I recognized his voice (I don't answer if I notice the caller ID first). I SHOULD have told him that I NEVER would have an affair with him because I think he's disgusting---now (according to mutual friends), he thinks there's some sort of Romeo & Julliet tragedy that's keeping us apart. The whole thing is so horrifyingly creepy, I'd rather fall off the planet than involve myself any further in this mess.
But the really odd thing is: My friend hasn't called me, either since this happened. Not once. I can only think he told her what happened but with the roles reversed. ???
Before anyone thinks my BF & my bestfriend are having or once had an affair; My bestfriend is overweight, smokes ciggs, & is not what he considers to be attractive (not trying to be mean)---My boyfriend is quite shallow, and if he were going to be with anyone, she would have to meet certain physical standards that she doesn't have. The jury's still out on him, because I must confess, my bestfriend's husband planted a bug in my ear with his comments about him that night, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as how bad I feel about distancing myself from my friend, and betraying her by never telling her.
I've been with my boyfriend for 12 years....a year or two longer than them. We have mutual respect and friendship for one another. Like I said, we're not publicly affectionate with each other, but we're hot for each other in private. Since we don't have ties to one another, and we're both independednt and not "emotional" people, we COULD leave each other if we wanted, but I guess neither of us want to leave which is why we haven't...it works for us. She doesn't see it that way. She very much dislikes my BF and thinks he's the wrong guy for me. She thinks he must be a cheater or he would've "made me" marry him. She voices her opinion passionately and often, and because I'm not an emotional person, I didn't put much thought into her feelings about him, because I always thought her feelings about people were somewhat immature. No skin off my nose.
I never cared for her husband. Had he not been such a good friend of my boyfriend's or the husband of my bestfriend, I would actually say he was "repellent". I don't like his politics or his whininess or his jealousy (or his syle, his appearance, his lack of health and hygene, his chauvenism, racism...I could go on & on). But as we were all "friends", I've always been friendly toward him....maybe "tolerant" is a better word.
One day my best friend's husband called my house to speak to my BF. My BF wasn't home, and we started chit-chatting. Couldn't even tell you what we were talking about because I was mostly watching something on TV at the time. Then he started telling me about troubles in his marriage, which came as a complete shock to me (because she & I were so close, I thought she would tell me if anything were even remotely off). Then he asked me to go to dinner, and I thought he meant to talk about the troubles in the marriage---and when I told him he should talk to a therapist for advice about his marriage, and I was uncomfortable discussing something my friend hadn't broached with me first, he said: "Stop playing coy. You know what I mean. You know I mean we should meet...in secret....to FINALLY be together. You can't deny what's been going on between us for the last 10 years".
I'm not an emotional person, but that statement scared the shit out of me, because he had to be deranged and delusional to think there was ANYTHING going on between us.
I was rendered completetly speechless, and all I could think to reply was: "She's my oldest, dearest friend---I would never betray her like that. And I could never keep a secret from [my BF]"
To which he replied: "HA!!! AFTER ALL THE SECRETS HE'S BEEN KEEPING FROM YOU!!!!????"
My response: "If you have something to say, say it".
He blubbered for awhile, not saying anything that was actually words, and finally said: "Well you must KNOW in your heart he's doing SOMETHING"
I told him that if he had nothing substantive to say, I was going to hang up. I said: "If he's doing something, I'll find out. In the meantime, I'm not his mother or parole officer (not that he's ever had one), and I'm not going to chase a man around investigating his every move like I have nothing better to do."
I immediately called my BF, and he denied any wrong-doing on his part & suggested that his friend was drunk when he called. Then he told me he KNEW of some dissatifaction his friend was feeling about his marriage, and that he had already confessed to him on several occasions that he had "feelings" for me. He told me to "ignore" it like he does because "the guy's not a threat and is just depressed"
So this is what I feel bad about: I feel bad that I've never told my friend about this. I haven't spoken to either of them in almost 1 year. I actually picked up a second job to make myself "unavailable" to them. I've fallen off the planet, and last I knew, my friend still thinks her husband is this wonderfully devoted guy who worships the ground she walks on. She would be absolutetly DEVASTATED if she learned otherwise. Her husand has tried calling me many times since this all happened, but I've hung up on him as soon as I recognized his voice (I don't answer if I notice the caller ID first). I SHOULD have told him that I NEVER would have an affair with him because I think he's disgusting---now (according to mutual friends), he thinks there's some sort of Romeo & Julliet tragedy that's keeping us apart. The whole thing is so horrifyingly creepy, I'd rather fall off the planet than involve myself any further in this mess.
But the really odd thing is: My friend hasn't called me, either since this happened. Not once. I can only think he told her what happened but with the roles reversed. ???
Before anyone thinks my BF & my bestfriend are having or once had an affair; My bestfriend is overweight, smokes ciggs, & is not what he considers to be attractive (not trying to be mean)---My boyfriend is quite shallow, and if he were going to be with anyone, she would have to meet certain physical standards that she doesn't have. The jury's still out on him, because I must confess, my bestfriend's husband planted a bug in my ear with his comments about him that night, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as how bad I feel about distancing myself from my friend, and betraying her by never telling her.
