For the last month or so, every 2-5 days I've been increasingly violent with my cat. It started as just squirting her with water, then putting her in her cage, then grabbing her/strangling, then tying her up so she couldn't move and torturing her with water/vacuum cleaner. That eventually became very serious choking and hitting. Just 3 hours ago I literally beat the crap out of her. I smacked her very hard probably 30-40 times. Head, body, etc. With my hand, sock, and anything else i could grab. Choked her to the point where she screamed for air. Hit her hard enough that I checked her over to make sure I didn't break any bones, then I would let her go and intercept her before she could run into a hiding spot by grabbing her by the neck and slamming her into the floor. I hit her in the face and hurt her eye.

Now she is so terrified she won't even move. She is curled up in a ball covering her face with her paws and tail. I tried to get her to eat by gently picking her up and putting her next to her food. She sniffed at it then ran to her litter box and curled up. I couldn't let her stay in the box and make a mess, so I picked her up again and she's been curled up in my lap ever since. I've been stroking her very softly and gently and she's shivering she's so terrified and just tries to curl into a tighter ball.

I love my cat but there's something inside me that just goes into a rage whenever she does certain things. They aren't her fault, and when I come out of the rage I feel like killing myself. I've never tortured an animal before. But when the rage consumes me it makes me feel so alive, potent, and powerful. It's an insane rush to have such power, to know that I'm causing so much suffering. But when I come down from that rush all that suffering piles onto me and it kills me. My cat has forgiven me within a day or two every single time but this time I don't think she will. I want this to be the last time I ever do something like this but I just don't know if I can. I'm terrified that the violence is going to get more and more intense, to the point where I either seriously injure her or kill her. When I'm in the rage, I feel nothing but intense, seething hatred for my cat. As if her very existence is an affront to me. I feel intense need and drive to punish her, even when she's done nothing wrong.

It scares me when I come down that I'm capable of such horrific acts. I imagine what would happen if my girlfriend, whom I love dearly, somehow triggered this rage. I've always suffered with anger issues but it's never manifested as anything violent. I need to stop but I don't know how. I should give the cat away to someone who will treat her well but my girlfriend would be crushed and would see the monster inside me and leave me. I hate myself more than it is imaginable, and I find it amazingly pathetic that I'm venting in such a miserable, lonely fashion. My poor cat is such a wonderful soul and she deserves to be treated with love, not hatred.